Tuesday, April 29, 2014

La Douleur Exquise

it's sad. I know but then again all of us are quite familiar with a saying that feelings cant be force, right?

I adore the courage all those people have when they told me their feelings. no matter how many times I have dealt with this issue I am yet to find an easy or justifiable method to say no without hurting anyone. However I need to be honest. you guys deserve someone who loves you genuinely considering the courage you have.

if it makes you feel better, I've been in your place. quite a few times. that's why I decided to let my heart go. denied every feelings I have. not until I am sure. and how to be sure you may ask? Love after marriage! but to be honest, I am human. I cant control how I feel. even now my heart is not in a good shape. o Allah, let me not love things that aren't written to be mine.save me from another heartbreak.letme be strong :)


Friday, April 4, 2014

Nothing but ordinary

Assalamualaikum wbt.

It's been about a year and a half since i was first diagnosed with cancer and from that moment onwards  i received so much love from everyone around me and sometimes from my new friends(i don't like the sound of strangers so i'm gonna address you guys as my new friends) that i haven't even met in person. Seriously it means a lot to me having kind people like all of you taking your time to write to me and encourage me to be strong in dealing with such calamity. I've got a lot of recommendations on what to read or movies to watch to help me stay positive all this while.i cant thank you enough for this comforting act i don't even deserve,for the thoughts and prayers. may Allah bless all of you.

since the diagnosis i keep on getting comments like you are so strong,omg you are amazing,you fight so well,how could you be so positive and etc. to be completely honest i am nothing but ordinary. I broke down.i cried.i was scared.i felt everything!every emotions that you could think of when something this huge happen to you at the age of 21.to be able to smile happily and let go of all the worries do not happen in just one night. To accept the fact that i am being chosen out of billions  people in this world to get cancer is not easy i must admit but seriously when i think about it now Allah has made it a lot easier than it could possibly be.

The most important thing is the support system. You need it, Don't try to face it alone just for the sake of not wanting to drag your loved one into this mess. I completely understand that sometimes we don't  want to see people we love get hurt in the  whole process of going through this difficulty but trust me it hurts them more if you exclude them from it. They already feel helpless because they cant help you much so don't make them feel any worse by not letting them participate in at least helping you emotionally. Talk to them about your worries,share with them everything! Let it all out because holding it in would make you depressed. I am going to quote my mom here, she said the biggest and greatest support system is definitely Allah. He is most knowing most merciful and most loving so put Him on top of your list. Rely on him and have faith in Him. If you have Allah you don't need anything else :) . And of course by the mercy of Allah He sends me great people like all of you to make my journey easier. Alhamdulillah for a great mom,dad,family and friends and not to forget new friends too! Prayers are the biggest weapon for the believers, so use it. Talk to your creator, let Him know your worries, cry if it helps you! When you finally find the faith and realize the fact that by relying to the one who is in charge of everything worries wont have any place to settle in your heart or mind. Keep on reminding yourself that whatever happened, is for the best. he wont put you through something you cant handle! It will be a long journey of self discovery and you may realize a lot of things that you probably do not pay attention to before. It is so true that people say you start living when you learn about dying. You start prioritizing because it hits you now that indeed life is too short to do something that is useless. You love more,you tell people you love them because you never know when is you last day walking in this earth. You mind your actions because you don't want to be meeting the Creator with too many sins. You start doing good and be nice to people because you know that they can help you with your hereafter. You at last discover that helping people or the poor do more good to you than them,it helps to detach your heart from something as temporary as wealth or even the joy of world we are living in. I can go on and on talking about the discoveries you might encounter throughout the journey but to make it short all in all it opens your eyes too see things you probably have seen before but in a completely different view.

But being human of course sometimes, we mess up.we make mistakes.but don't ever let it stop you from going back to Allah. Don't fall into the devils's trap to make us think that we sin so much and there's no point of repenting.noo! We all know that Allah's mercy is bigger than His wrath :)

By being contented with what we have will help us to live a happier live. So stop worrying and complaining so that you could start living!

P/s : current update : i am now off medication alhamdulillah because the disease is stable. I'll be monitored from time to time and if it is active again (which hopefully wont happen) they are going to start me on medication again.please pray for me and for that I hope Allah will grant you goodness in this world and the hereafter.