for those who know me would definitely be aware of the fact that i am a huge fan of korean drama.as i was watching this one drama called cyrano agency last week,this part attracted me so much. well in any dramas or movies,if they want to make it dramatic,one of the leading actor must be dying or suffering from cancer. that's how scary cancer means to everyone.
'do you think that love is too much of a luxury to dying people?'
'our one day is as good as anyone else's,what's different is that we are fully aware of the fact that we're still alive'
so true! at first i do agree with the first statement. i do think that love is such a luxury to someone like me.someone who is going to leave another person behind.isnt it selfish to still love and wanting to be loved in return when you know that you have so little time left?indeed but i also think that it's more selfish to stop people from loving you just because you assume that you are going to go first before them.why did i use the word assume?simply because no one can really be sure who's gonna live longer than the other despite their health conditions.there are people dying while being healthy and there are people who are still alive despite of the fact that they had this so and so condition for years.so you cant really tell.why torturing yourself into thinking or assuming something and denying your right just because you feel like it's typically gonna happen that way. speaking from the other end(as patient),i would have to say that it is rather difficult. it's not easy to convince myself.i never understood felt stigma until i was in this condition.my self esteem just went down in a split of a second.i am 22 right now and it's about right for me to be thinking about marriage and family.i did casually talk to my friend about wanting to get married. to be honest, i am not fully convinced that i would be able to just because i often feel that i would be the most selfish person to allow someone to be part of this pain. despite of having people around me who keep on trying to persuade me that it is indeed allright to do so,i dont know.it's just not as easy.at least not for now.
and for the second statement.yes!our day is as good as one of yours too.it's just that we are more aware of us still being alive. i tried to wake up everyday feeling grateful that Allah is still giving me the opportunity to live. to tie any loose ends before i will finally meet Him. I am grateful because i know for sure that this spiritual strength does help me a lot to go easy on myself.of course i am aware of my condition esp when i need to take my medication three times a day,monitoring my blood pressure every other day,looking at the mirror supervising the side effects of the drugs i am taking but i am not depressed or overly concerned. i just live my life having faith that Allah is just.for every hardship He puts me through,definitely He's gonna reward me.if not in this life then in the hereafter.
my consultant said to me once dying people (referring to the patient) are usually the nicest. i went back and think about it.i guess it's true.and no matter how much i have left o Allah i pray that you help me to be that nice person. i also pray that everyone who directly or indirectly has been praying,encouraging and wishing the best for me will be rewarded as much as possible. i could feel the love you guys are giving me and indeed it does make a different in the life of a fragile person like me. whenever i feel like i'm gonna break,i think of all the blessings i have and find myself smiling again. thanks for everything :)