i went to the hospital today.i met the doctor.as expected it was faster that in malaysia but the thing is in uk,it is a must for the doctor to discuss and make sure patient (me) understand the prognosis (what will be expected to happen in the future) based on the typical cases he's dealt with or based on experiences and knowledge.
i knew all along that my prognosis is not that good.i knew that renal cell carcinoma with bone mets is a serious problem and there has not been any cure found for this cancer.the drugs available are more likely to just put the disease on hold or slow down the progression.i read it all.i know it. but little did i know having a direct conversation about this is not as easy.
the doctor has to be true,he has to be honest.he was indeed very gentle and i am sure there's no other way of conveying the massage but it still hurt.
"well,i dont know.do you think it's a good idea to be far away from your family at times like this?i mean when people know that their life expectancy is reduced they would want to spend it with the people they love.and you pursuing your dream,i am sorry but you must know that you might not be able to finish medical school.i am just making sure that you are completely aware of what your situation is.it is very serious you see" i can see the doctor was trying so hard to make sure he says that in a manner that it will be less hurtful.it's something he needs to tell me as part of his work.this makes me think that being a doctor is not an easy job.you have to do your job and you also have to keep your human side alive and balancing both are indeed not an easy task.
'i have discussed this with my family and they are supportive when i say i want to continue my study.i get what you mean but for now i think i'm doing the right thing.and if ever i feel that in the future i can no longer cope with this,i'll probably decide to go back to malaysia' i said very carefully.i can give him thousand reasons to justify my actions but it wont change anything so i just went with the simplest one.i dont know if i even made sense but whatever.i just need to atleast give some response to show that i understand what's happening.
I was in Malaysia for the past one year and I seriously dont think they take me seriously.medications are expensive,and i was left not knowing about the prognosis or the plan management for months.i was left without any monitoring.sadly yes it happened in my own country. i can spend days and nights if i want to complain about the healthcare in malaysia but i wont go that far. i am still grateful for whatever they had done to me but having the opportunity to be treated here in uk is not a bad idea afterall isnt it?
i might look like a selfish person.coming here wanting to pursue my dream while sacrificing the time i have left.choosing to be far away from the dearest people,it's not an easy decision.but what should i do.should i just be at home and wait for death to come to me?i dont think that's the right thing to do.i love my family.more than anyone could ever imagine.due to this overly love i feel for them,i dont want them to worry about me.to be in trouble because of me.treatment cost in malaysia is too expensive.and me doing nothing in malaysia would be so depressing.i come here to atleast try my best to live my life to the fullest.distance to love is just a number.it's like a wind to the fire,it extinguishes the small but kindles the great.so even though we are far away it doesnt mean that i love them any less!
and the strongest factor that stand behind my decision is what my mother always taught me. acceptance and fate.!My mom always say this to me.when the time has come,everyone will leave.it will come to anyone,not just me so why worrying about it.just do your best,work hard for your deeds so that your hereafter will be great.we can do so much but in the end it depends on God so why not leave the worrying behind.just put your effort,keep on praying and have faith in Allah. i overheard my mom's conversation with my dad once.they were saying about how they have to accept if anything were to happen to me.their level of acceptance amazes me.it makes it easier for me to actually accept things myself so i am so grateful having them supporting me like that.
i will not give up.i will try and get the best treatment i could.i'll be positive and i'll have faith in Allah.and whatever comes after that,I'll just leave it all to Him.
and the fact that i am still able to live almost like a normal people,i am grateful.i consider this as a mercy from God not as the delay in symptoms as most medical professional will think of.
O Allah please protect my family.if anythg were to happen please give them the strength to accept it as what's the best plan You have for me.make it easier for all of us.