Saturday, May 29, 2010

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.



If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything :)
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i know

From physicist point of view,sensitive apparatus means it has the ability to measure a very small change in the quantity being measured so when i said i have a very sensitive heart----->it means a slight change in whatever happens will cause me to feel that something is not right.

it's not easy to see what's happening inside;)
for now,i'll just follow where fate brings me..
i'm flexible but to which extent?time will tell and we shall see.


"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing"
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Thursday, May 27, 2010

what i've seen in pluto:)

people can say anything for they only know a little and act like they know every single thing.it's too early for me to conclude anything but after 6 months,i think there are some things in pluto that really make me wanna stay.i wouldnt bear with all this obstacles to know that just these little things might affect the way i look at it. within ths 6 months,we've been thru a lot,trying to fit ourselves and understand eachother better.why would i stand all these if i see nothing in that person.if what that person has shown in ths 6 months was really coming sincerely from the bottom of the heart,i know i'll be happy one day.no matter how bad it appears to be,i beleive deep down in ur little tiny muscular myogenic organ,u have something that others dont.u have something coz in your life,i know u've learned a lot.u juz need time to put all these lessons together and one day,u'll b the man of every girl's dream.
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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

L.O.S.T

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It\'s when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the cross
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
Things have seemed to change
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It's when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
And the world's crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
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:(

I’m sorry if u think i dont understand you.i know at ths moment u wanna be alone.try figuring things out by ur own.i dont know if u’re aware of the fact that these things worry me.cant u spend 1min out of so many hours u have to tell me u wanna be alone and will text me later.is that so hard?i told you sooo many time i’m a sensitive person.when something feels not right.i cant do anything.i cant study,i cant sleep.i tried my very best to adjust myself.putting ur needs and feelings above everything else.i’m still getting the hang of things about what happened before.i tried to be considerate,i tried to make you happy.i tried to lend you my hands but it was never enough to make you at least try not to do things that can make me worry about you.i'm sorry i care too much about you.maybe u dont need that much attention from me.
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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

....facts....

just finish revising 3 chapters of biology but still,it wasnt a productive morning..i knw i can read more but then it's ok..dun be too hard to urself idzni :)

p3 is coming in 2 days.i'm scared.hopefully everything will be alright.

life is surprisingly less demanding now so i'm glad:)

i watched the game plan over and over again..that little girl is sooooooo cute and smart.i love the movie:)

13 days before my last paper:)

i cant wait..
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man of my dream

Just because I’m quiet, doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot to say. Just because I appear happy, doesn’t mean everything is okay. Just because I forgive, doesn’t mean I forget. Just because I don’t listen, doesn’t mean I don’t care. Just because I’m gullible, doesn’t mean I can be cheated. Just because I’m stubborn, doesn’t mean I’m not easy going. Just because I don’t show my feelings, doesn’t mean I don’t have any.Just because I’m unsure, doesn’t mean I’m afraid. Just becuase I don’t love you, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you.

Sometimes there is nothing to be said. Sometimes nothing should be said. I just want to find someone who won’t run away. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me it’s okay that things don’t always go right. That this is how life works, and how it will always work. That it’s not going to be easy. Today, tomorrow, the next day, but it will somehow get better and i'll always be there for you.that no matter how hard life appears to be,u can always turn to me.i would not ask you to leave nor do i wanna leave.this is the man of my dream.the one who would rather choose hard times together than to have it easy apart.
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Monday, May 24, 2010

please be fine

it feels so bad when i coudnt be with you at the most stressful time,i'm sorry.if only u knew how much i would want to juz run out of my math class and be right beside you.maybe i cant tell u anything that can make u feel better but i just hope my presence will somehow make u feel a little bit aesy about what's going on.but unfortunately i didnt,i couldnt.i'm sorry.i'm useless i'm sorry.i didnt say i wanna be with you coz you need me the most but i just wanna be with you.now u're unreachable.from the book it said that maybe u wanna go to the cave.i'm not sure what to do.i texted u but u didnt reply me so i guess u need sometime to be alone.life has been a bit too hard for both of us these few days but i do hope that u'll never ever give up.there must be atleast a reason why it happened this way..hang in there.i'll be here if u need me.anytime.
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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010

middle of nowhere

I cant always see you,i cant always watch what u do.i put my trust on u.i ignore what people say.silence doesnt mean approval but i’d like to give u time.the one u desire.if u choose to betray my trust,nothing i could do.i’ve been in ur position.maybe not exactly but kinda same.trust me,what goes around comes around.only u know what u did do n will do.so,God bless :)
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Friday, May 21, 2010

:)

i did 2 of the things in my wish list.i played badminton and squash.haha.i played just for fun.i dont mind looking funny coz seriously i dont know how to play but i really enjoy myself.i can only count on myself right now.next up is still being planned.but one thing for sure is i would never ever play volleyball.today is a quite productive day for me.i read a lot:)

one thing i would like to clarify here is i dont hate anyone.i'm just so tired with everything and i cant afford to smile everytime i meet people.actually that's so me.i rarely smile.if you know me well,you'd know that.so please please and please stop speculating.
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

L.I.F.E

lite nite was horrible.seriously.i keep questioning why things happened that way.another month in ky felt so long.am i being selfish if i were to make a decision not to unlock myslef from that room?is that what's the best for everyone?can i just think about myself n my onlyself right now?i'm afraid i cant.coz when you care about someone,u tend to be more considerate.does this apply to anyone.nope..some people just cannot control the selfishness but that's juz how God made us all.we're different.in our own ways.according to our preferences.everyone is against me now,i used to atleast have you but now it seems like you want me to take the road that everyone's talking about.you're my strength to stay.one of the biggest and now it's gone and i can say that i'm lost.in my own world trying to figure out which step to take when no one is supporting me about my way of dealing with it.it's hard coz u made me feel this way,unintentionally maybe.i try to understand and put myself in ur shoes but have you ever tried looking at it from my point of view?i told you i was traumatised twice,i know maybe it sounds so simple and it wasnt big but did you even consider?do you even remember?that's the thing only you can answer.if it's true you dont want me to be hurt by this thing,juz support me.if u care about me as much as i do 4 you,u wont let things go this easily.
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Sunday, May 16, 2010

i know i'm not good but i'm learning:)

i read an article:
if u want God to help you,dont do things he despises.
now is exam period..people say it's not good to be close to God juz for the sake of getting good grades in exam.partially agreed by me.yes it's true that whatever we do,it has to be sincere and not because we're hoping for something in return.but,if it is the starting point before it gets sincere,i dont think it's wrong to be close to God based on that reason.He encourages us to ask from him.i remembered when i was a little kid,i didnt pray coz i want to but coz my father was standing beside me with an angry face and ready to shout if i didnt obey.as time goes by then i learned that it is my responsibility as a servant to pray.my point is,dont be judgemental.if someone wants to turn over a new leaf during exam period,just support that person.if you dont want to,just ignore,never say a word that can discourage that person esp by saying'ehem,dkt2 exam br nk insaf?'..atleast dia nk insaf..come on!

tips from my senior during exam weeks..
-byk kn solat taubat,hajat n if possible solat tahajud.
-if rajin wt la solat dhuha sbb bley wt murah rezeki
-bykkan selawat n istigfar
-time nk gerak g dewan bace ni-robbi yaasir wala tuassir
-time ssh nk jwb exam bacee ni byk2 kali...ya mu'id

All da best!
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2 weeks

It’s almost 2 weeks and i still cannot sleep very well.i dont know what bothers me exactly.my brain refuses to stop working even during bed time.i dont know what to do to turn things right side up again.everything is falling apart and i keep asking is it my fault?i know i cant please everyone but i dont wanna be selfish by putting my self on top of my own list of people i wanna please according to my preference.i dont know.i cant afford to make a wrong decision.so,within ths one month,i'll try to evaluate everything,think about the pros and cons and i will take which way i think is the best for all.not for me.

now i juz wanna spend the time left wisely..at least,there's something i can hold to when we're apart.but then again i dont know is ths a right choice?i'll just stick with what mom said before.dun think too much about the future,u'll miss all the fun in the present:)

i did a lot of things that make me happy over the weekend.went to watch iron man and nightmares on elm street.i feel a bit more relax now and i'm trying to push away part of the sensitive side of me.try to be a bit more rational and less emotional.try to think like a 19 year old girl :)..come on idzni..u dont like kids so dont act like one..haha..

m1 is coming.i need to start studying now but i dont know why i keep on pressing the keyboard.i feel a lot better now.really need to stdy now..so bye bye.

p/s: i read my saved msg folder.one catches my eyes-it's his loss if he doesnt appreciate you.i wonder,is it for real or being said juz to make me feel better?it was sent during nov-dec break..i think the sender may want to give different argument by now:p
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sometimes

in life,sometimes i juz need to take things easy..too tired to think too much about the future..juz let it be.cross the bridge when i come to it.i dont want to be given that much trust to decide about what's gonna happen next.seriously now,juz let fate decides.i've been through a lot.in fact,i faced smething worse than this..but now i'm just a little more fragile than i was before.that's what happens when i tried something new.i used to build walls around me,not letting in anyone except the person that can make me feel secure.things change.for the better or for the worse,we shall see it.wherever ths brings me to,if i cant survive at least i want to give my best first.so that i dun have anything to regret later.thgs rarely come twice in life..so juz deal with it now.
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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

when all is said and done

i'm speechless.dunno what to do or how to do it.i have no idea what am i facing right now.life is not treating me well these few days but i'm glad that my academic side is quite stable and i can still breath.


Thanks hairul azim,nik madihah,kammy kamaruzaman and faiz irwan for being with me all the time.petsib,thanks for the lovely card and the chocolate.you know me well to be able to cheer me up during this particular time.no worries petsib,i’ll keep my promise.we’ll visit bandung together nanti.

Well,i just need my sleep to be normal right now.biological clock needs to be set so that my sleeping time is at 12am till 4am and 12.45pm till 3.45 pm.no lunch and no dinner.i dun wanna get myself out of this lovely room.haha.mom,no worries.i’ll get my food stock ready,say no to gastric attack.

I need time for myself but i think i’ll do some sports like jogging and jogging and jogging coz that’s the only thing i can do and know how to do.

Bio paper 5 is in 4days..i really hope to do well.will try mybest.i had 3 m1 tests in the last few days.the marks were quite ok but i hope to do better in my real exam.48,50,47..average score=48.3..
The result for my trials was really a wake up call..thank you for that.
distractions,where are you when i need you the most?
it'll be amazing if i can shut down part of my brain and let the other half works.
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Saturday, May 8, 2010

it's soooo biology;)

Once upon a time,there is a plant,lives healthily in a beautiful forest.it is so happy as it gets enough nutrients for the cell divisions needed in its growth so that it’ll grow as a very cool and great tree.well, in the jungle,it cant afford to run away from the interactions between other organisms living in the same habitat.Mutualism,comensalism and parasitism,u name it.


After some time,the plant grows into a very unique plant attracting all the other organisms towards itself.A flower which cannot live without the support of the plant for nutrients,sunlight and water chooses this special plant as its host.both of them benefit from this symbiosis as the flower will get all the growth factors it needs while it enhances the look of the plant making it more attractive.the flower is pretty and it has all what every flower would want to.


However,fate has a different story to tell.as time goes by,the relationship between the flower and the plant has been quite strong and they become attach to one another.the flower realises that it has fallen in love with the plant. Unfortunately,a species of weed which also form interdependence association with the plant interferes the love that should be blossomed at that time.the weed distracts the plant attention and leave the flower with a broken heart.but love knows no boundaries.so the flower keeps its feeling deep inside the heart and hoping that the plant will realise someday,how strong the feeling it has towards the plant.


The weed doesnt realise that it presence is like a parasite to the plant.it takes all the nutrients without giving anything back.it’s not pretty so it cannot contribute anything to the plant’s look.in fact,it looks better without the weed on it.love is in the air.the weed falls for the plant and thinks that they’re meant to be together.it knows nothing about the flower that has been there for the tree waaaay before it comes.the community in the jungle starts speculating saying that the weed is the third party in the plant-and-the-flower-relationship.the weed feels so bad about itself.if time could be turned back,it would have choosen another plant.


Now the weed is at its wits end.it doesnt know what it supposed to do to make things better.it doesnt really know how the plant feels towards both of them,so it’s harder to choose which way to go.but one thing for sure,it has the idea in mind that either way it will take later would hurt itself but it just has to decide which one is worth than the other.it doesnt have the heart to stay and witness how weak the plant gets day by day cause it has to support both-flower and the weed.so it was thinking about leaving but the only way to do it is to shed itself from the surface of the plant and obviously this will hurt the plant as well.how hurt the plant would be is not in its range of knowledge and it thinks maybe the flower can heal the wound later and they’ll live happily ever after.but is it fair for the plant if the weed chooses to do that?what the weed wants is to let the plant be happy as it used to.it doesnt mind to sacrifice and let itself to be decomposed so that all the nutrients in the weed can be absorbed by the plant.if that’s the only way thgs will get easier for the plant,the weed will do it.and to the flower,the weed would like to apologise.seriously if the weed knows thgs well before it happened,it wont turn out this way.and to the plant,though the weed may remain optional to the plant,the plant has always been the weed’s priority.for now let’s time decide,but if it refuses,the weed would have to do something.the weed says sorry to both of you!

ps:feel bad about updating blog when i should have used the time to study,so here it is..biology revision:p
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Thursday, May 6, 2010

hmmm

how could you lose something you've never had???
it doesnt take a genius to figure that out..
ouch ouch ouch..
it might not be as what i think it is but still..
all make sense now..
no explanation needed..

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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

if it's true

if it's true,then i'll juz 4get about everything and pretend like nothing has happened.if it's true then you shud have told me earlier.if it's true then it's not your fault coz i know it's human nature.if it's true juz be honest with me.sometimes truth hurts but not as much when lies being revealed in the end.assumptions bring me nowhere but to a land full of broken-hearted people and i refuse to go there :)
i'm fine and now i'm missing the old me.it has been so long since i lost the happy-go-lucky side of me.i'm trying to get it back.2 years ago,when i stepped into this college,i was so different from who i am today.if it's for the better,i shall keep it.but some of them need to be eliminated esp the one that is not important.

bouncing back?hmm...trials was over few weeks ago and i can surely say that up till now,the results hurt so badly.to beat the blues i need to accept the fact that yes i did screw up my trials but it's ok.it's ok!i mean it this time.after i convinced my teachers and friends about having a few tests before the real exam,i felt better esp after getting the results for the tests.now i know my strength and weaknesses so i knw what to improve.i'm so glad to have all my frens with me..i would like to thanx felix so much for helping me with my M1.i started with 0 n now atleast i know that i know something.:)thanks felix.ur help is much appreaciated and with that i wish u all da best and i'm sure u're gonna excel in this upcoming a level.

i was searching for a-peaceful-inner-environment and i found something.now i know what i should do when life sucks:)..mom knows best,i would have to admit that.i might not have what i want but pls let me want what i have..that way,life would be better:)
mom said dun worry about the future too much coz u’ll miss the details of the present.mom said sometimes everything seems so hard and future looks so dark but juz keep walking and u’ll find urself a little closer to the light.mom said i can do whatever i want as long as i trust myself,if i dont get it then it’s not meant to be.i juz need to get over it and set a new goal.mybe what’s waiting for me is waaaaaay better than what i think i want right now.mom said,dont ever look back,u’re not going that way.mom said i love you and i’ll be here for you

Mom’s words are like remedy to every wound i have.she mends my heart with her magical words.mom,i love you.i really do.:)
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Monday, May 3, 2010

Sunday, May 2, 2010

my family

sometimes in life,things get from bad to worse.and at this moment,i'll miss my family most

i miss my mom so much.we're not that close.i dont know why but one thing for sure,she has her unconditional love for me.she accepts me the way i am and try her best to help me to be a better person by her gentle touch.she doesnt force me,she waits patiently and never complains.

i miss ku so much too.he has a very special way of approaching me when i did anything wrong.he wants nothing but the best for me.whatever i want,he'll try to get it done.we used to be so close..when ma went to work and i dont feel like going to school,ku brought me somewhere else.when i wasnt feeling so well,ku would sleep somewhere else and let me sleep with ma.there's one time,when ku n ma went to mecca,ma called and said ku wasnt being allowed to take the flight back due to heart attack.i was so scared but thank God it's just a minor lung infection coz he used to be a quite heavy smoker when he's young.(that's y i hate smokers).

i miss k.yoes too.she's very cold and ignorant when we're kids..no one can enter her room for whatever reason.. but now she's a very helpful sister..we share the same interest in things like make up,fashion n etc...

i miss ja too.she helps me a lot.like a looot.she's hot tempered but she has a very kind heart.when she was studying in uitm s.alam,i went there a few times.that time,she has a motorcyle.that's how she brought me anywhere and we did have so much fun together..she took a day off just to accompany me to my interview..she's like a superwoman to me.whenever i need help,she'll be there.

yu is more like ma..she always advice me and encourage me to do well in everything.she understands me quite well esp when it comes to rshp prob.she's as sensitive as i am,so she knows what to say when i'm sad.i miss yu.


anis..we're sooooo close.i tell her almost everything.she's my senior when we're in mrsm pg chepa.she's very protective.she defended me a lot during that time.she's a good sister.i miss da time when i was so stress and we went karaoke together.i miss hanging out with her,seriously.we did a lot of things together.when we're home,she would drive me anywhere i asked her to.we love baking..


i come from a very simple family.i do not have all sophisticated things all teenagers would want to but seriously,i'm glad to have all of them with me.their endless support is more than enough for me.
i love you guys so much!
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Saturday, May 1, 2010

thank you

she just ruined my day.my entire weekend maybe.wth?????she knew me well to be able to attack my weakest point.the wound started to heal and she just pulled the scar off and now it's bleeding.more than it used to be.i cudnt defend myself,i mean how cud i, coz it's not something that i cud change.i remembered a scene in my fav muvi.the girl was saying that she wants sum1 that can defend her in front of anyone.now i know how important it is.

no one to be blamed but myself for being this vulnerable,for letting it to overcome my emotion.i'm a human,remember?i cant choose what i would feel if it happens this way but i can learn so that in da future it wont hurt this much.i'm not blaming anyone but myself seriously.

sum1 told me,in life i need to learn how to heal the wound i dun deserve.
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