Wednesday, October 15, 2014

the future is not ours to see :)

this blog has been abandoned for quite some time..thanks to the busy life of a medical student i have for the past few weeks after a nice summer break with mum :)

alhamdulillah things are going well at the moment with my treatments.had my scan 2 weeks back and it's stable. as i move forward advancing to my last one and a half year of being a medical student, planning about the future scares me. the fact that i'll probably(high likely) need to stay here after graduation makes me a bit sad.after all these years being away from home then i finally really look forward to go back but i guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. firstly because of the treatment and secondly as much as i love malaysia i would have to admit that we are not quite advance in term of supporting people like me in our career.here in the uk, they have this thing called less that full time (LTFT) scheme for those with special needs such as having to care for a child/sick parents or having an illness themselves. so these group of people can choose to work or be trained part time.it may take longer to finish the training but it'll be less stressful and doable.i met a doctor who's doing this thing and she worked 3 days per week and no night or weekend shift which sounds reasonable for me. as healthy as i might look i dont think i could handle doctor's normal working hour in malaysia.

at the moment i feel fine but i think it's good to have an option like that in the future.i'll probably try and do the full time training first and see how it goes as i go along.the big question is how do i go back to malaysia?do i have to stay here for the rest of my life?
well as much as i wish that miracle would happen and someday i would find myself being completely in remission i do think that i need to be realistic here and plan my future accordingly.so for now what i could do is get trained here for 2 years and probably start doing locum after that.i would have to sacrifice my passion on becoming a consultant since doing locum will not allow me to progress to another level,i do think it's a fair option.atleast i could work for a few months and then get a break for a month and then the cycles continue.it's amazing how 5 years ago i was so keen on coming here and staying and now all i think about is trying to figure out options to let me atleast go back and be with my family once in every few months. hopefully things will work out fine for me.pleasee pray that Allah will ease everything for me and my family.

now coming to the questions i get a lot. when are you getting married. dudes i would love to but seriously i dont think anyone fits to be in this mess with me.lol.take that as i'm saving you from the messiness that i could foresee.some people came to me claiming that they can accept me but with lack of insight about the real situation.this is definitely a complicated situation and i go back and forth about handling this issue.let's just see how things go and take it from there.i mean i'm in no rush.i'm not gonna lie.seeing my close friends advance into the next chapter of their lives by getting married or having children,i do feel jealous. i do sometimes feel like me too need a shoulder to lean on.but if the shoulder is not strong enough and would leave me crashing on the floor had i lean on too hard then it's pointless isnt it?.because i sure know that there would be times that i will definitely lean on very hard.this way i'm saving my self from the hurt i know i could not handle...yet..

for now i am happy and grateful for whatever i have.thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. :)

Monday, September 8, 2014

the other corner of the world

you to me
is like a glimpse of the sun
in a frozen wintry day
far from a balmy streak
just enough to warm the soul
of the eyes that could see

you to me
is like a shining moon
that i'd catch a glance of
when the world suffocates me
when the heart is filled with doubt
when the tears are held in
then ease will flood in
and worries start to cease

you to this invisible me
is like a rose in the desert
beautiful to dream of
simply absurd to ask for

Never in a million years
our eyes would finally meet
Nor with a sea of tears
would drag you next to me
but at least I learned that
love is beyond wanting
love is beyond longing
love is beyond yearning
love...sometimes
is just glimpsing
is just glancing
dreaming from afar
from the other corner of the world

Sunday, August 24, 2014

be str0ng is overrated

life takes unexpected turns.sometimes too many things happen at once so you dont have any time to wail or cry.you are too busy trying to hide the sorrow pretending that everything is fine.for what?i dont know.i guess to fulfil people's expectation.people said to me so many times, you are strong.be strong.you are the strongest person i know.i get it that they mean it good but i feel suffocated.i feel like i can't break down because everyone thinks i am strong.the tears i need to hold back just because i am expected to be strong,God knows how difficult it was.so when someone is afflicted,it's better to say that you are praying for her,you are there if she needs you or simply just let her cry.people like us,cancer patients especially..we have a lot going on in our mind.the fear of relapsing or the fear of getting worse.the fear of leaving people behind.the fear of wanting more than you could actually have and ect.so spare us some space.give us time to wail..to cry.don't worry,we are going to pick all those pieces after we are done crying but please dont steal the only thing we can do.don't steal our chance of letting out the anger,frustration we feel.it's not like we are ungrateful.but we just need some time.to convince ourself.to just cry.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

sisterhood

Ramadhan is here. Alhamdulillah. I am so excited and really look forward to this blissful month. Yesterday i attended our very first Al Buruj sisters' circle. I've been volunteering with Al buruj for about 6 months now and i am glad i did. i walked out of my comfort zone! I was contemplating because I didnt think I could fit in due to language barrier. However I told myself that everything will be fine. I reminded myself about what's the main reason I want to volunteer.

Well to be honest at first,it's just about wanting to do as much as good deeds because i know that i dont have much time left to try and add some point to get to the best side of my Creator. When i was in malaysia, i volunteered with mercy mission and that was when i realised that by surrounding yourself with people of the deen does help you in so many way in order to improve oneself. so you could see that my ulterior motive was just for myself(well of course i want to help people but still the main reason was to help myself and get reward from it). However God is the best planner and through this He actually gives me a family here. The sisters are so amazing and the way they act tells me so much about the saying that we often hear but seldom feel, love for the sake of Allah. MashaAllah I cant express how lucky i am to be part of this group.

During the sisters' circle yesterday, we went through Prophet's Sermon for the month of Ramadhan. it's so beautiful and eventhough the sister read it without putting any emotions in it, it went through straight to the heart. Subhanallah. How far behind am i in this journey to discover islam that I never knew that there were such thing as prophet's sermon available for us to read and reflect upon. Astaghfirullah. I ask your forgiveness for my ignorance. you can read that HERE and enjoy the beautiful melancholic feeling it brings as you indulge yourself into every sentence written there.

i have been wanting to tell the sisters about my cancer but i have not had the chance so i did it yesterday.it's amazing to see the pain in their eyes when they know that their fellow sister is struggling with life and has kept that to herself for quite sometimes. they were saying to me to go to them anytime i need anything. they hugged me and assured me that Allah is great and whatever happened is for the best. They prayed that Allah will grant me shifa and they were so happy that i was part of the group. Little that they know the happiest person was me. I felt so relieved to be able to finally tell them because when you love someone you dont want to keep any secret from them.

i am really glad that i meet these amazing people in my life. i pray that Allah will reward you as much as possible for all the kindness you offer to me. Have a blessed Ramadhan and hopefully we will get the most out of this Holy month :)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Alhamdulillah

Great newssssss *drumrolls*

I am getting married next year! lol ok i'm JOKING(well i wish i am not because i've always wanted to get married in 2015)! well who knows,please pray that i will meet my future husband soon enough so that i can get married next year. ok enough of this marriage thing Idzni!

moving on to the real great news. i was having my 3 monthly ctscan last week and the result has come out to be fine so i will be off medication for another 3 months. hopefully this will continue and i wont have to take that chemo drugs anymore.please pray for me :)

thank you Allah for being so nice to me. i've failed so miserably countless time but You are still with me guiding me through this bumpy journey that we call life.looking back at who i was before, i am really grateful that i got this wake up call 2 years ago.thank you.

to be honest, all of us are aware that we are going to die one day but this fact does not really settle in our mind trust me,not until you see the reasons why you will go earlier than people your age.we are to some extent still being influenced by the mentality that younger people will live longer without us realising it. i've received a few shocking news about friends going earlier that we thought they would.Al fatihah to all these friends of mine,i pray that you will be placed among those who are pious and will be rewarded by Allah swt. when i was diagnosed with cancer that fact really hits me,the fact that i will probably die earlier than i thought i would/should be. i was not ready. i was scared. i was devastated but the more you learn about religion,the more you draw yourself to Allah, everything becomes easier.

O Allah i pray that you will let me reach ramadhan this year and help me and everyone who reads this to become closer to you. help us to please You.




Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Ramadhan is just around the corner

Assalamualaikum.

We are nearly going to the middle of Sha'ban and guesss whaaaat? *drumrolls* RAMADHAN IS COMING SOOON! yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

I am so excited for this Ramadhan eventhough I have exams at that time but really i cant wait!it's the time when your spiritual side is at its best. However we have to do some preparations in order to go all out for this ramadhan. Do you know any of the marathon runners? How long did they train themselves to go for 15km run?and did they start off by doing all 15kn in one go? i doubt so. you cant possibly drive a car with 5th gear from the beginning can you?

So what we can do in order to prepare ourselves is


  1. if you havent done so, start reading the quran after each prayer. It doesnt matter if it's just a simple surah. a little but consistent deed goes a loooooooong wayy!
  2. start training yourself to fast. well for those who would be fasting in the summer like i would you know that it's gonna be about 18-19 hours right?so do some practice so that your body are used to it. the way i did it, i try to fast on monday and thursday everyweek!
  3. train yourself to wake up for sahur by waking up for qiyam.OMG you guys already know but i really want to stress here that in ramadhan you'll get thousands time the rewards you would normally get in other months.so let's useee this!!nothing can get any better than doing what Allah loves in this month.try it.try and do just 2 or 4 rakaah and then work your wayyy up..again a little goessss a long wayy.
  4. cook!learn how to cook.it's the best opportunity for us all to learn.well it's ramadhan and you just eat proper meal once a day so why not putting a bit more effort into the dishes without spending too much money eating out?win win isnt it?
  5. forgiveness! forgive everyone that has wronged you in anyway. people say a crucial part of being happy is being able to accept apologies we never received!so growwwwwww up and let go of all the ill feelings you have.
  6. Make a lot of dua.not only for yourself but for the loved ones.and for the ummah.for syiria for palentine.for everyone.
let's do our best shall we?

O Allah I ask you to give me chance to meet Ramadhan this year and to make full use of it.


Wasalam :)



Thursday, May 22, 2014

the faults in our stars

finally i get the chance to read this book.it says most of the thing i could not. it expresses how i feel better than i myself could.

it tells me so much about life and love. i love how Augustus Waters puts it at the end. It sounds like this, we as a human want to leave something behind when we die,something to be remembered but little that we know all we leave behind is some scar to those who love us. it is true isn't it. when i first knew that i have cancer, of course i was worried about what is going to happen to me but to be honest a huge part of my worries is dragging the people that i love and love me in this mess they never invested.i mean yeah they didnt know that i would end up like this when they first decided to love me. but this book consoles me so much. At first it seemed like Hazel Grace was the lucky girl when Augustus approached her. He was in remission and Hazel was not and the fact that he loved her and wanted to be with her was touching. but life is not that simple and straightforward, at least not in this book. so his cancer came back and he died first leaving Hazel miserably. She had to deal with the scar alone. that's life. as much as i think i would depart first from the people that i love, we never know what's going to happen. all i can do i just pray.pray that whatever happens is for the best.pray that we would all accept whatever has been decreed upon us. 

i think i am so lucky to be born in this religion and the fact that i was taught about patience and acceptance since i was young helps so much. and of course i could not see the point right away but after some time i get it. this life is just temporary and nothing matters most than pleasing the creator. i was so into superficiciality that i once thought no one would be able to love me after they know my diagnosis. i was proven wrong so many times. it restored my faith in humanity. people love me more,or at least they are bolder or they put an action to their words. and i never blamed those who distanced themselves too. do not invest in the thing you are unsure about is one of the good policies to adapt to be happy. my situation helps me filter out who i dont need in my life,making my life so much easier.having said that, it made me appreaciate those who stay so much.

to my dearest parents,family and friends.
thank you so much for being with me along this journey. May Allah bless all of us