Friday, November 14, 2014

magic tricks!

Life life and life.oh there is so much to talk about when it comes to life.each day we wake up and do the things we need to do.have we ever wondered if we are actually living?where all of this is leading us to.where would we end up by the end of this?who's expectations are we trying to meet?and who's the real one we need to please?
I can go on and list down thousands of questions we encounter if not on daily basis,maybe more frequent.we are occupied with too many things so sometimes we forget those tiny little things.but most of the time those little things are the one which would change you had you paid more attention to them.
Life is a journey.i bet most of us already know it.but i have to admit sometimes i get confused.which is more important?the end point or the actual going through? And i would have to cheat by saying it has to be a balance of both.it's not a safe answer well maybe it is but that makes sense isnt it.say you are planning for your holiday.the planning could be tiring but enjoyable if you do it correctly but the actual day would need to be amazing to complete this whole thing.so yeah indeed the effort we put to get the mercy of Allah so that we could walk out of this life feeling happy and looking forward to the new one is as important as getting that mercy in the end.
It's not life if it's just smooth sailing isnt it?but is there anythg we could change to make it better?have you ever wondered how those people who are being afflicted with things you cant imagine happen to you can still mantain that smiley face every single day?how do they do that?is there a secret or a magic trick?

i was honored to be able to volunteer at the most popular islamic event in London yesterday.it was a talk by sister Yasmin Mogahed. I love her.so much if i may add. she's amaaaaaaazing.

so back to the magic trick. i really love how sister Yasmin put it.She said bad things never happen to good people.so that means we just need to be good people to get a wonderful life isnt it?but hang on a minute wait what?what did you say?bad things never happen to good people?nooooo..i know so and so,she is really pious but she lost her husband,and the other person who is also amazing got robbed the other day ect ect.how can you say bad things never happen to good people.does that mean that they are bad people?i'm gonna stop you right there!! no it does not mean that they are bad people.what i'm trying to say is that the way we define bad thing is not how we should. how do you define bad thing?we commonly define bad when we lose something that is important in this Dunya/world.when we lose money,when we fail,when we are poor and the same goes to success.anything of some sort like gaining material things is considered as success.having a lot of money,getting the highest possible raking in the uni or producing the best thesis ever are considered as successful. i'm not saying that those are not important but if we change our ways of seeing and reacting and redefine what is good and bad according to what matters most,life would be much much easier. believe me,i'm a living proof for this! the only definition that we should hold on to as a muslim is this.ANYTHING that brings you closer to Allah(whether it is consider bad or good in terms of this Dunya) is a GOOD thing and ANYTHING that draws you away from HIM is bad thing.as simple as that.so anything could be anything really! and remember what Allah said in AL Baqarah verse 216

'But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.'

As I mentioned and as most of the readers of this blog already know,i'm a living proof for this.I can be a good testimonial that when you start seeing things from this perspective insyaAllah insyaAllah life will be a lot easier.to cut things short, 2 years ago i was diagnosed with cancer,went through 12 horrendous hours of surgery and few months after that i was told it was spreading and it's in the last stage.took a year off initially for the surgery and ending up continuing my studies and get a treatment in the uk. juggling between being a patient and a medical student is no joke.the straight face you have to pull when your colleague and consultants say nasty things about cancer(of course they dont know).discussion about prognosis with my doctor and the moment he said you might not finish medical school you see upon hearing my decision to go on with my study shook me to the core.world was shattering heart was broken.but alhamdulillah alhamdulillah i cant thank Allah enough for the strength i did not know He gave me.so i hold on really tightly to that phase.if it brings me to Him then it's a good thing.that has become my mantra. i started to appreciate what i have and try living with it.

i could break down, i could wail all my life if i want to but would that cure me?no!so why bother?of course at the beginning it was difficult and to some extent it still is.with my treatment i have to deal with side effects and on the 'bad' days i still find myself struggling. it's a constant battle but it gets easier each day insyaAllah.
one thing i realise while going through all this is frustration basically is caused by two things. either we dont get what we think we should/we want or we get what we certainly do not want. we are human. we are limited in the sense that we cant foresee what is going to happen.with our little knowledge we think we know what is good for us dont we?try and shift that trust to Allah who is most knowing,insyaAllah everything will work out well.for me, those bad days do not happen frequently.i am able to attend class and live most days normally with minimal side effects(alhamdulillah) but when the bad days happen,i find myself a bit frustrated/upset, but then it stroked me that it could be worse.i keep reminding myself of those people who has to do the chemo and deal with the side effects.i keep reminding myself about those people who have it worse than me then i would find myself being thankful to God. Allah will not burden a soul more than it can bear,so have faith in Him. Maybe we are a lot stronger than we think we are!

the next key to be happy and content with life is to learn about these two things; forgiveness and overlooking the flaws.
let's face it, we are all afraid to show our flaws right?because we think that perfection is good and is the only way to go.stop dehumanise yourself. we are full of flaws and by learning the art of looking at the flaws from a different light would change you,trust me. the biggest flaw anyone could have is the inability to overlook the flaws and forgive themselves for having it.we are bound to make mistakes,and sometimes we repeat our mistakes.we are human. stop judging yourself and start living.if you make mistake,repent.we all know that Allah's mercy is bigger than His wrath.so stop making life so hard on yourself! we need to remember this too,if we want Allah to forgive us,start by forgiving people ourselves.the ability to overlook other people's flaws and forgive them are the two best skill anyone could posses.if you can do these two,your life would be peaceful.i have heard this so many times and i still like it, you forgive someone for you not for them.why?because if you hold grudges not only your heart wont be at rest but you are wasting your time and energy on people who do not even matter. when i was tested, some people stay and some leave.i could hate them but i wont. because i know it's how life is.and when people do what they did,they must have their own reason of doing so. they have their own journey,their own struggles and their own battles to fight. when people leave,i do not resent them because out of all people i should understand how difficult it could be to stay(it's not like i could leave me,could i?lol). However with them leaving it makes me appreciate those who are staying more.How much love does these people have for me to always be by my side praying the best for me?i'm grateful!!i'm not telling you all this personal things for you to feel sorry for me or to force anyone to stay with me but i just think that this will probably be useful so that you could get the idea and then you can see that things happen and sometimes or most of the times in a way you never thought it will but there are ways to turn that around and gain from these. i never knew i would get cancer at the age of 21 but i have to live with that fact now.as i said,it gets easier each day with Allah's will.

having said all of that,again i cant stress this enough but i'm gonna keep saying it.it's not easy,it does not happen overnight,it takes effort and it's a constant battle but it is worth it.there are times when you would feel tired,you think you cant take it anymore,just keep going..keep on reminding yourself. that would help.if you read my blog,most of the posts are similar.it's about the same thing really,that's how i remind myself when it gets hard.i need to stocked up the motivations for future use. i pray that Allah will make it easier for you.hopefully we would be grant the highest place in Jannah.Ameen!




Tuesday, November 11, 2014

when u have Allah

when you have Allah you have everything you ever need for in this life and the hereafter.sometimes i feel like i'm losing myself to this world.i keep on thinking about the future but sometimes i forget about the real future.the life after death. i stopped judging people long time ago since i know even a person like me who has been tested with huge affliction tends to forget sometimes let alone everyone else. we are human.we forget things.that's why we need people to help reminding us. i have a huge respect to everyone who does not go through difficulties yet is so consistent in doing good deeds.i'm justa kind of person who needs constant prompting. Allahuu..O Allah please forgive me.bring me closer to youuuu pleaseee.

sometimes i struggle.there are bad daysss. i feel like i jumped off the cliff down to the bottom.i feel like i did not do enough.i feel like i'm so far away from God.i'm sure some of my readers feel the same sometime.when you feel that,hurry up and make wudhuk and pray..or maybe do some dhikr. there's no point of wailing about something you cannot change.so might as well make the change now.we are human..we are meant to make mistake.but if we go back to him and repent would you think Allah the most gracious the most forgiving will ignore us?definitely not.never lose hope..

do not give up.the fact that Allah makes you feel and realise that you are lost means that He loves us and wants us to go back to him.

whenever you feel far from him combat that feeling!counterattack it with more goodness..donate,read the quran,listen to the islamic talks in youtube..listen to someone reciting the quran..anything!we can do this!we can try n be persistent.let's win Allah's love back!!shall we?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

the future is not ours to see :)

this blog has been abandoned for quite some time..thanks to the busy life of a medical student i have for the past few weeks after a nice summer break with mum :)

alhamdulillah things are going well at the moment with my treatments.had my scan 2 weeks back and it's stable. as i move forward advancing to my last one and a half year of being a medical student, planning about the future scares me. the fact that i'll probably(high likely) need to stay here after graduation makes me a bit sad.after all these years being away from home then i finally really look forward to go back but i guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. firstly because of the treatment and secondly as much as i love malaysia i would have to admit that we are not quite advance in term of supporting people like me in our career.here in the uk, they have this thing called less that full time (LTFT) scheme for those with special needs such as having to care for a child/sick parents or having an illness themselves. so these group of people can choose to work or be trained part time.it may take longer to finish the training but it'll be less stressful and doable.i met a doctor who's doing this thing and she worked 3 days per week and no night or weekend shift which sounds reasonable for me. as healthy as i might look i dont think i could handle doctor's normal working hour in malaysia.

at the moment i feel fine but i think it's good to have an option like that in the future.i'll probably try and do the full time training first and see how it goes as i go along.the big question is how do i go back to malaysia?do i have to stay here for the rest of my life?
well as much as i wish that miracle would happen and someday i would find myself being completely in remission i do think that i need to be realistic here and plan my future accordingly.so for now what i could do is get trained here for 2 years and probably start doing locum after that.i would have to sacrifice my passion on becoming a consultant since doing locum will not allow me to progress to another level,i do think it's a fair option.atleast i could work for a few months and then get a break for a month and then the cycles continue.it's amazing how 5 years ago i was so keen on coming here and staying and now all i think about is trying to figure out options to let me atleast go back and be with my family once in every few months. hopefully things will work out fine for me.pleasee pray that Allah will ease everything for me and my family.

now coming to the questions i get a lot. when are you getting married. dudes i would love to but seriously i dont think anyone fits to be in this mess with me.lol.take that as i'm saving you from the messiness that i could foresee.some people came to me claiming that they can accept me but with lack of insight about the real situation.this is definitely a complicated situation and i go back and forth about handling this issue.let's just see how things go and take it from there.i mean i'm in no rush.i'm not gonna lie.seeing my close friends advance into the next chapter of their lives by getting married or having children,i do feel jealous. i do sometimes feel like me too need a shoulder to lean on.but if the shoulder is not strong enough and would leave me crashing on the floor had i lean on too hard then it's pointless isnt it?.because i sure know that there would be times that i will definitely lean on very hard.this way i'm saving my self from the hurt i know i could not handle...yet..

for now i am happy and grateful for whatever i have.thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. :)

Monday, September 8, 2014

the other corner of the world

you to me
is like a glimpse of the sun
in a frozen wintry day
far from a balmy streak
just enough to warm the soul
of the eyes that could see

you to me
is like a shining moon
that i'd catch a glance of
when the world suffocates me
when the heart is filled with doubt
when the tears are held in
then ease will flood in
and worries start to cease

you to this invisible me
is like a rose in the desert
beautiful to dream of
simply absurd to ask for

Never in a million years
our eyes would finally meet
Nor with a sea of tears
would drag you next to me
but at least I learned that
love is beyond wanting
love is beyond longing
love is beyond yearning
love...sometimes
is just glimpsing
is just glancing
dreaming from afar
from the other corner of the world

Sunday, August 24, 2014

be str0ng is overrated

life takes unexpected turns.sometimes too many things happen at once so you dont have any time to wail or cry.you are too busy trying to hide the sorrow pretending that everything is fine.for what?i dont know.i guess to fulfil people's expectation.people said to me so many times, you are strong.be strong.you are the strongest person i know.i get it that they mean it good but i feel suffocated.i feel like i can't break down because everyone thinks i am strong.the tears i need to hold back just because i am expected to be strong,God knows how difficult it was.so when someone is afflicted,it's better to say that you are praying for her,you are there if she needs you or simply just let her cry.people like us,cancer patients especially..we have a lot going on in our mind.the fear of relapsing or the fear of getting worse.the fear of leaving people behind.the fear of wanting more than you could actually have and ect.so spare us some space.give us time to wail..to cry.don't worry,we are going to pick all those pieces after we are done crying but please dont steal the only thing we can do.don't steal our chance of letting out the anger,frustration we feel.it's not like we are ungrateful.but we just need some time.to convince ourself.to just cry.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

sisterhood

Ramadhan is here. Alhamdulillah. I am so excited and really look forward to this blissful month. Yesterday i attended our very first Al Buruj sisters' circle. I've been volunteering with Al buruj for about 6 months now and i am glad i did. i walked out of my comfort zone! I was contemplating because I didnt think I could fit in due to language barrier. However I told myself that everything will be fine. I reminded myself about what's the main reason I want to volunteer.

Well to be honest at first,it's just about wanting to do as much as good deeds because i know that i dont have much time left to try and add some point to get to the best side of my Creator. When i was in malaysia, i volunteered with mercy mission and that was when i realised that by surrounding yourself with people of the deen does help you in so many way in order to improve oneself. so you could see that my ulterior motive was just for myself(well of course i want to help people but still the main reason was to help myself and get reward from it). However God is the best planner and through this He actually gives me a family here. The sisters are so amazing and the way they act tells me so much about the saying that we often hear but seldom feel, love for the sake of Allah. MashaAllah I cant express how lucky i am to be part of this group.

During the sisters' circle yesterday, we went through Prophet's Sermon for the month of Ramadhan. it's so beautiful and eventhough the sister read it without putting any emotions in it, it went through straight to the heart. Subhanallah. How far behind am i in this journey to discover islam that I never knew that there were such thing as prophet's sermon available for us to read and reflect upon. Astaghfirullah. I ask your forgiveness for my ignorance. you can read that HERE and enjoy the beautiful melancholic feeling it brings as you indulge yourself into every sentence written there.

i have been wanting to tell the sisters about my cancer but i have not had the chance so i did it yesterday.it's amazing to see the pain in their eyes when they know that their fellow sister is struggling with life and has kept that to herself for quite sometimes. they were saying to me to go to them anytime i need anything. they hugged me and assured me that Allah is great and whatever happened is for the best. They prayed that Allah will grant me shifa and they were so happy that i was part of the group. Little that they know the happiest person was me. I felt so relieved to be able to finally tell them because when you love someone you dont want to keep any secret from them.

i am really glad that i meet these amazing people in my life. i pray that Allah will reward you as much as possible for all the kindness you offer to me. Have a blessed Ramadhan and hopefully we will get the most out of this Holy month :)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Alhamdulillah

Great newssssss *drumrolls*

I am getting married next year! lol ok i'm JOKING(well i wish i am not because i've always wanted to get married in 2015)! well who knows,please pray that i will meet my future husband soon enough so that i can get married next year. ok enough of this marriage thing Idzni!

moving on to the real great news. i was having my 3 monthly ctscan last week and the result has come out to be fine so i will be off medication for another 3 months. hopefully this will continue and i wont have to take that chemo drugs anymore.please pray for me :)

thank you Allah for being so nice to me. i've failed so miserably countless time but You are still with me guiding me through this bumpy journey that we call life.looking back at who i was before, i am really grateful that i got this wake up call 2 years ago.thank you.

to be honest, all of us are aware that we are going to die one day but this fact does not really settle in our mind trust me,not until you see the reasons why you will go earlier than people your age.we are to some extent still being influenced by the mentality that younger people will live longer without us realising it. i've received a few shocking news about friends going earlier that we thought they would.Al fatihah to all these friends of mine,i pray that you will be placed among those who are pious and will be rewarded by Allah swt. when i was diagnosed with cancer that fact really hits me,the fact that i will probably die earlier than i thought i would/should be. i was not ready. i was scared. i was devastated but the more you learn about religion,the more you draw yourself to Allah, everything becomes easier.

O Allah i pray that you will let me reach ramadhan this year and help me and everyone who reads this to become closer to you. help us to please You.