Friday, December 12, 2014

Friends

Have u heard that people say friends are siblings God forget to give us? Well obviously God is not forgetful but the phrase is just an exaggeration trying to manifest how friends are the next closest to your family in your life. I have been blessed with so many amazing friends and i cant thank Allah enough for this.Alhamdulillah.. it's not until you go through rough patches in life that u start realizing who your true friends are. Indeed this sentence is true. In my case, being away from my family these friends are all i have here. They take a great care of me. I pray that Allah will reward each and everyone of them abundantly. Sometimes I dont get it. Why are people so nice.we are not even related. And i seriously can understand if people do not want to associate themselves with my mess.but these people with hearts of gold stay with me.they hold my hand..wipe my tears..they give me so much strength.alhamdulillah for them. I was admitted once due to spike in temperature. My friends came running to me.some of them keep texting me to make sure i am allright. Not to mention those who keep on praying for me. O Allah..i love them..i hope you will grant them paradise for all the kindness they offer to this stranger.
I know most of my close friend felt the pain more or less the same way as i did when they learned about my diagnosis. When i was telling sister yasmin about my situation and could not held my tears, one of my close friend cried with me. She said she never seen me that vulnerable because i'm always bubbly and cheerful and it hurts to see those tears. I was talking to my housemate yesterday and she mentioned how she broke down 1 and a half year ago after knowing about my PET scan showing that i have bones and lungs mets. This kind of love from Allah through these amazing people is sooooo beautiful. I am so grateful that i could experience this. In this life yes we plan and Allah plans and indeed Allah is the best planner. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.it's not easy but if you have faith in Him,your heart will be at ease.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

miles awayy but always in the dua!

Assalamualaikum

Every single time i think about future i cant help but to feel sorry for my parents.i want to serve them. I want to be with them. I want to make them happy but it's hard doing that when you are thousands miles away.

When ustadha yasmin mogahed was in london few weeks back. I got the golden chance to talk to her personally about my situation. I cant thank Allah enough for this. I remember how i was so frustrated back in 2013 when she came to Malaysia and i could not join her due to treatment obligations. I have always wanted to meet her. As i said to my friend, Allah gives me inspiration through her.She's one of my role model.who knows a year and a half later i found myself having dinner with her.alhamdulillah. Allah is the best planner.

So i was telling her i dont know how i should deal with this. I am so grateful to be blessed with this opportunity to be treated here but obviously at times like this you would want to be with your family the most.what she said made my day. She said maybe Allah puts u in this,takes away your family just so that you could solely depend on Him.Him alone. And depending on Him is the most beautiful act of dependency. You should take this opportunity to purify your heart.to elevate your status in His eyes. You are in the best position to make dua.Allah will never left you alone.

When it gets difficult..cry to him.and one thing please if you could,pray tahajjud every single night. I was holding my tears back but it fell anyway. I have met so many amazing people along my journey.  The way i see it now, yes i am physically separated with my family but they would always be in my dua. They out of so many people were cherry picked by God to be in this mess with me. They are my everything. So i asked Allah to grant them and everyone that has helped me in any way the highest place in jannah.this life is short.if this short separation in this world is a stepping stone to a wonderful beginning in the hereafter,this should be cherished right? Alhamdulillah. No matter how hard life is,bear in mind that Allah is most knowing. He knows every little hurt you feel, every single tear you cried. Have faith in Him!

Friday, November 14, 2014

magic tricks!

Life life and life.oh there is so much to talk about when it comes to life.each day we wake up and do the things we need to do.have we ever wondered if we are actually living?where all of this is leading us to.where would we end up by the end of this?who's expectations are we trying to meet?and who's the real one we need to please?
I can go on and list down thousands of questions we encounter if not on daily basis,maybe more frequent.we are occupied with too many things so sometimes we forget those tiny little things.but most of the time those little things are the one which would change you had you paid more attention to them.
Life is a journey.i bet most of us already know it.but i have to admit sometimes i get confused.which is more important?the end point or the actual going through? And i would have to cheat by saying it has to be a balance of both.it's not a safe answer well maybe it is but that makes sense isnt it.say you are planning for your holiday.the planning could be tiring but enjoyable if you do it correctly but the actual day would need to be amazing to complete this whole thing.so yeah indeed the effort we put to get the mercy of Allah so that we could walk out of this life feeling happy and looking forward to the new one is as important as getting that mercy in the end.
It's not life if it's just smooth sailing isnt it?but is there anythg we could change to make it better?have you ever wondered how those people who are being afflicted with things you cant imagine happen to you can still mantain that smiley face every single day?how do they do that?is there a secret or a magic trick?

i was honored to be able to volunteer at the most popular islamic event in London yesterday.it was a talk by sister Yasmin Mogahed. I love her.so much if i may add. she's amaaaaaaazing.

so back to the magic trick. i really love how sister Yasmin put it.She said bad things never happen to good people.so that means we just need to be good people to get a wonderful life isnt it?but hang on a minute wait what?what did you say?bad things never happen to good people?nooooo..i know so and so,she is really pious but she lost her husband,and the other person who is also amazing got robbed the other day ect ect.how can you say bad things never happen to good people.does that mean that they are bad people?i'm gonna stop you right there!! no it does not mean that they are bad people.what i'm trying to say is that the way we define bad thing is not how we should. how do you define bad thing?we commonly define bad when we lose something that is important in this Dunya/world.when we lose money,when we fail,when we are poor and the same goes to success.anything of some sort like gaining material things is considered as success.having a lot of money,getting the highest possible raking in the uni or producing the best thesis ever are considered as successful. i'm not saying that those are not important but if we change our ways of seeing and reacting and redefine what is good and bad according to what matters most,life would be much much easier. believe me,i'm a living proof for this! the only definition that we should hold on to as a muslim is this.ANYTHING that brings you closer to Allah(whether it is consider bad or good in terms of this Dunya) is a GOOD thing and ANYTHING that draws you away from HIM is bad thing.as simple as that.so anything could be anything really! and remember what Allah said in AL Baqarah verse 216

'But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.'

As I mentioned and as most of the readers of this blog already know,i'm a living proof for this.I can be a good testimonial that when you start seeing things from this perspective insyaAllah insyaAllah life will be a lot easier.to cut things short, 2 years ago i was diagnosed with cancer,went through 12 horrendous hours of surgery and few months after that i was told it was spreading and it's in the last stage.took a year off initially for the surgery and ending up continuing my studies and get a treatment in the uk. juggling between being a patient and a medical student is no joke.the straight face you have to pull when your colleague and consultants say nasty things about cancer(of course they dont know).discussion about prognosis with my doctor and the moment he said you might not finish medical school you see upon hearing my decision to go on with my study shook me to the core.world was shattering heart was broken.but alhamdulillah alhamdulillah i cant thank Allah enough for the strength i did not know He gave me.so i hold on really tightly to that phase.if it brings me to Him then it's a good thing.that has become my mantra. i started to appreciate what i have and try living with it.

i could break down, i could wail all my life if i want to but would that cure me?no!so why bother?of course at the beginning it was difficult and to some extent it still is.with my treatment i have to deal with side effects and on the 'bad' days i still find myself struggling. it's a constant battle but it gets easier each day insyaAllah.
one thing i realise while going through all this is frustration basically is caused by two things. either we dont get what we think we should/we want or we get what we certainly do not want. we are human. we are limited in the sense that we cant foresee what is going to happen.with our little knowledge we think we know what is good for us dont we?try and shift that trust to Allah who is most knowing,insyaAllah everything will work out well.for me, those bad days do not happen frequently.i am able to attend class and live most days normally with minimal side effects(alhamdulillah) but when the bad days happen,i find myself a bit frustrated/upset, but then it stroked me that it could be worse.i keep reminding myself of those people who has to do the chemo and deal with the side effects.i keep reminding myself about those people who have it worse than me then i would find myself being thankful to God. Allah will not burden a soul more than it can bear,so have faith in Him. Maybe we are a lot stronger than we think we are!

the next key to be happy and content with life is to learn about these two things; forgiveness and overlooking the flaws.
let's face it, we are all afraid to show our flaws right?because we think that perfection is good and is the only way to go.stop dehumanise yourself. we are full of flaws and by learning the art of looking at the flaws from a different light would change you,trust me. the biggest flaw anyone could have is the inability to overlook the flaws and forgive themselves for having it.we are bound to make mistakes,and sometimes we repeat our mistakes.we are human. stop judging yourself and start living.if you make mistake,repent.we all know that Allah's mercy is bigger than His wrath.so stop making life so hard on yourself! we need to remember this too,if we want Allah to forgive us,start by forgiving people ourselves.the ability to overlook other people's flaws and forgive them are the two best skill anyone could posses.if you can do these two,your life would be peaceful.i have heard this so many times and i still like it, you forgive someone for you not for them.why?because if you hold grudges not only your heart wont be at rest but you are wasting your time and energy on people who do not even matter. when i was tested, some people stay and some leave.i could hate them but i wont. because i know it's how life is.and when people do what they did,they must have their own reason of doing so. they have their own journey,their own struggles and their own battles to fight. when people leave,i do not resent them because out of all people i should understand how difficult it could be to stay(it's not like i could leave me,could i?lol). However with them leaving it makes me appreciate those who are staying more.How much love does these people have for me to always be by my side praying the best for me?i'm grateful!!i'm not telling you all this personal things for you to feel sorry for me or to force anyone to stay with me but i just think that this will probably be useful so that you could get the idea and then you can see that things happen and sometimes or most of the times in a way you never thought it will but there are ways to turn that around and gain from these. i never knew i would get cancer at the age of 21 but i have to live with that fact now.as i said,it gets easier each day with Allah's will.

having said all of that,again i cant stress this enough but i'm gonna keep saying it.it's not easy,it does not happen overnight,it takes effort and it's a constant battle but it is worth it.there are times when you would feel tired,you think you cant take it anymore,just keep going..keep on reminding yourself. that would help.if you read my blog,most of the posts are similar.it's about the same thing really,that's how i remind myself when it gets hard.i need to stocked up the motivations for future use. i pray that Allah will make it easier for you.hopefully we would be grant the highest place in Jannah.Ameen!




Tuesday, November 11, 2014

when u have Allah

when you have Allah you have everything you ever need for in this life and the hereafter.sometimes i feel like i'm losing myself to this world.i keep on thinking about the future but sometimes i forget about the real future.the life after death. i stopped judging people long time ago since i know even a person like me who has been tested with huge affliction tends to forget sometimes let alone everyone else. we are human.we forget things.that's why we need people to help reminding us. i have a huge respect to everyone who does not go through difficulties yet is so consistent in doing good deeds.i'm justa kind of person who needs constant prompting. Allahuu..O Allah please forgive me.bring me closer to youuuu pleaseee.

sometimes i struggle.there are bad daysss. i feel like i jumped off the cliff down to the bottom.i feel like i did not do enough.i feel like i'm so far away from God.i'm sure some of my readers feel the same sometime.when you feel that,hurry up and make wudhuk and pray..or maybe do some dhikr. there's no point of wailing about something you cannot change.so might as well make the change now.we are human..we are meant to make mistake.but if we go back to him and repent would you think Allah the most gracious the most forgiving will ignore us?definitely not.never lose hope..

do not give up.the fact that Allah makes you feel and realise that you are lost means that He loves us and wants us to go back to him.

whenever you feel far from him combat that feeling!counterattack it with more goodness..donate,read the quran,listen to the islamic talks in youtube..listen to someone reciting the quran..anything!we can do this!we can try n be persistent.let's win Allah's love back!!shall we?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

the future is not ours to see :)

this blog has been abandoned for quite some time..thanks to the busy life of a medical student i have for the past few weeks after a nice summer break with mum :)

alhamdulillah things are going well at the moment with my treatments.had my scan 2 weeks back and it's stable. as i move forward advancing to my last one and a half year of being a medical student, planning about the future scares me. the fact that i'll probably(high likely) need to stay here after graduation makes me a bit sad.after all these years being away from home then i finally really look forward to go back but i guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. firstly because of the treatment and secondly as much as i love malaysia i would have to admit that we are not quite advance in term of supporting people like me in our career.here in the uk, they have this thing called less that full time (LTFT) scheme for those with special needs such as having to care for a child/sick parents or having an illness themselves. so these group of people can choose to work or be trained part time.it may take longer to finish the training but it'll be less stressful and doable.i met a doctor who's doing this thing and she worked 3 days per week and no night or weekend shift which sounds reasonable for me. as healthy as i might look i dont think i could handle doctor's normal working hour in malaysia.

at the moment i feel fine but i think it's good to have an option like that in the future.i'll probably try and do the full time training first and see how it goes as i go along.the big question is how do i go back to malaysia?do i have to stay here for the rest of my life?
well as much as i wish that miracle would happen and someday i would find myself being completely in remission i do think that i need to be realistic here and plan my future accordingly.so for now what i could do is get trained here for 2 years and probably start doing locum after that.i would have to sacrifice my passion on becoming a consultant since doing locum will not allow me to progress to another level,i do think it's a fair option.atleast i could work for a few months and then get a break for a month and then the cycles continue.it's amazing how 5 years ago i was so keen on coming here and staying and now all i think about is trying to figure out options to let me atleast go back and be with my family once in every few months. hopefully things will work out fine for me.pleasee pray that Allah will ease everything for me and my family.

now coming to the questions i get a lot. when are you getting married. dudes i would love to but seriously i dont think anyone fits to be in this mess with me.lol.take that as i'm saving you from the messiness that i could foresee.some people came to me claiming that they can accept me but with lack of insight about the real situation.this is definitely a complicated situation and i go back and forth about handling this issue.let's just see how things go and take it from there.i mean i'm in no rush.i'm not gonna lie.seeing my close friends advance into the next chapter of their lives by getting married or having children,i do feel jealous. i do sometimes feel like me too need a shoulder to lean on.but if the shoulder is not strong enough and would leave me crashing on the floor had i lean on too hard then it's pointless isnt it?.because i sure know that there would be times that i will definitely lean on very hard.this way i'm saving my self from the hurt i know i could not handle...yet..

for now i am happy and grateful for whatever i have.thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. :)

Monday, September 8, 2014

the other corner of the world

you to me
is like a glimpse of the sun
in a frozen wintry day
far from a balmy streak
just enough to warm the soul
of the eyes that could see

you to me
is like a shining moon
that i'd catch a glance of
when the world suffocates me
when the heart is filled with doubt
when the tears are held in
then ease will flood in
and worries start to cease

you to this invisible me
is like a rose in the desert
beautiful to dream of
simply absurd to ask for

Never in a million years
our eyes would finally meet
Nor with a sea of tears
would drag you next to me
but at least I learned that
love is beyond wanting
love is beyond longing
love is beyond yearning
love...sometimes
is just glimpsing
is just glancing
dreaming from afar
from the other corner of the world

Sunday, August 24, 2014

be str0ng is overrated

life takes unexpected turns.sometimes too many things happen at once so you dont have any time to wail or cry.you are too busy trying to hide the sorrow pretending that everything is fine.for what?i dont know.i guess to fulfil people's expectation.people said to me so many times, you are strong.be strong.you are the strongest person i know.i get it that they mean it good but i feel suffocated.i feel like i can't break down because everyone thinks i am strong.the tears i need to hold back just because i am expected to be strong,God knows how difficult it was.so when someone is afflicted,it's better to say that you are praying for her,you are there if she needs you or simply just let her cry.people like us,cancer patients especially..we have a lot going on in our mind.the fear of relapsing or the fear of getting worse.the fear of leaving people behind.the fear of wanting more than you could actually have and ect.so spare us some space.give us time to wail..to cry.don't worry,we are going to pick all those pieces after we are done crying but please dont steal the only thing we can do.don't steal our chance of letting out the anger,frustration we feel.it's not like we are ungrateful.but we just need some time.to convince ourself.to just cry.