Sunday, January 25, 2015

i hope you will be happy

well it's a known fact that once a girl is into someone the fbi genes in her start to show up.if i put as much effort as i did into digging up medical info i will probably be on the top 20% in my year but sadly,it's not what happened and i cant see that happening anytime soon. i love medicine but i love my personal life as well.

anyway back to you. i know very little about you but i guess the ability to show your vulnerabilities without a slightest worry that people will judge you(at least it appears so,God knows how you feel inside) attracts me. i cant really do that. i dont know how many times i have deleted what i wrote in my blog without posting it just because i was afraid of what people are going to say. this is my exception.well, you are.

i know it hurts.i know how much it hurts to like someone you know you dont have a chance with but not being able to get rid of that person from your mind. the countless effort of trying to stop the feeling. the hundreds unrequited love quotes you read over and over again to just let your heart understand that it's not going to happen but it refuses to believe so. the what ifs that keep playing in your mind..the maybes that you always consider. the thoughts of moving on and liking other people that never exist.everything.everything hurts and you know you have to walk away from all of these but you cant seem to find the courage to take the first step despite the endless pain you pretend to ignore.maybe you are so used to it that you think this pain is a part of you and there is no way you could ever make it vanish.

it takes learning about self worth and appreciating and loving onselfself to muster up the courage to leave it all behind. it takes quite a bit of faith to take a first step without knowing the destination. but as a fried who has been there and done that, all i can say to you is that it feels amazing to be able to make my exit from that misery. it feels like you release yourself from your own hand you never knew was silently throttling your sanity and you finally realized that you have missed a lot while tormenting yourself in that one sided affair.

now for me it's as simple as if it's meant to be it will be. it does not mean that i am just passively waiting for things to come my way but i know when to walk away if my presence is no longer needed. feeling is like a spring, the more you suppress it the harder it will bounce back and hit you.
making a decision is always scary no matter how many times you have made them. it's the fear of making the wrong moves. it's the hopeful voice that keeps whispering maybe if you wait and give it a bit of time then table will be turned. it could but most of the time it does not. let go of that fear.

and i chose the latter. i chose to admit my feeling and walk away.and it works for me. i was upset of course but i felt relieved as well.for me when you like someone, have the courage to let the person know.if he likes you back then it's good if not then you've got the starting point to move is too short to wait around for people who would never be ready to love you back so i guess the way forward is to look for someone who is on the same page as you.

i used to be you but i also were in her shoes quite a few times. and being in her shoes made me learn how to walk out of being you.

i personally hope that one day you will find the love of your life and be happy with her. i hope that one day you will come to a point and say to your self i should have walked away earlier. what took me so long! i wish that even if that someone is not me, she will appreciate you, love you, know your worth and make it up to you for all the pain you have been feeling so far. goodluck, you! :)

Sunday, January 18, 2015

the day i redefine LOVE


2 years.731 days 1 hour and 20 minutes. it's been that long since i started learning about LOVE in a way I would never have imagined. the day when i was brought into the operation theater with a possibility of not waking up again to see my loved ones. the day i let go of all my plans and trusted His.the day I told myself that if i was given another chance to see them again,to be able to breath again, I would do it differently.

it has been 2 years since that day and i keep on reminding myself there must be a reason why I am still living. there must be things Allah wants me to do. the moment i woke up from that 12 hours surgery, i was glad. when i saw my mom walked into that ICU room i was happy. i felt like hugging her and all i want to say was i am sorry. i am sorry that you have to go through this.i am so sorry i keep making you worry. but my mom,my family, my close friends.they taught me lessons i could never learn by myself. they taught me about LOVE. and from the moment onwards, i slowly redefine LOVE.

that time when i was so broken that i would understand if they could not hold me because i myself who should love me the most wasn't being able to do so.they held me anyways. so tight that all the pieces felt intact even though it's broken.they cried with me, they prayed for me, they held my hands till the very end when i was ready to let go. i wanted to let go so that they wont get hurt but they insisted. they taught me that in life, a lot of things can go wrong but love, real love will remain. i learned that not everyone can love me so i need to appreciate those who do. they taught me that hardship to love should be like a wind to the fire. it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great. so to the people i love or will love, please know that i may not be able to give you forever but within that limited time God is giving me, I would appreciate you like no other. because the best love story to learn from is not when it's told but when it's shown. my loved ones have taught me so much about love.

Alhamdulillah for them.Alhamdulillah for this second chance.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

the gift of imperfection

i bought this book yesterday and i cant wait to get it delivered to my doorstep. this year, i am trying to make few changes in my life and one of them is to appreciate my imperfections. for 2 years, i have been feeling low and it's about time to pick my confidence up and embrace my flaws.

life is not about trying to be perfect.or competing who is better than the other. for me if i could be better than my previous self,it's more than enough. sometimes, you cant control how your feeling works. it's hard to not let people's expectation gets to you.sometimes i feel like i do something because i am expected to do it. i'm scared of people judging me.

but i need to get things straight now. what matters most is Allah. His judgement is the most important. He is the one i need to please the most.

it's just me really. i dont think people ever look down on me after knowing about my's just me feeling disable about my whole situation. i feel like i should be in this alone. i feel like i'm going to hurt people if i let them hold my hands in this tough situation. i keep on thinking that i will do more harm than good if i let people into my life. i need to stop judging myself. i need to stop thinking that i have to be able to do everything on my own. i need to bear in mind that i am imperfect and i should not blame myself for being so because it's what human should be. only Allah is perfect.

i'll slowly pick myself up.
as what the writer said in her book

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

i'm looking forward to a better a person who would let go of what she is supposed to be and just be who she really is. i wish to be comfortable in my own skin. i wish to be happy in every situation i have been put in. i wish to not regret any decision i made or will make. i wish to love like i've never been hurt.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Dua request

Had my ct scan done today.if the result is stable then i will be off medication for 3months insyaAllah.please make a lot of dua for me.even if it's just a mere 3 months,i would be really happy to be off means 3 months of holiday from diarrhoea and feeling means i can get my black brow back.i stopped last march for 3 months and they restarted it because of some growth that has shrunk 3 months after hopefully i'll get good news next week.even if it's just for couple of months.i will be happy and grateful.keep the dua coming.i hope Allah will repay your kindness.thank youu..thanksss.. lotsa loveeeee

Friday, January 2, 2015

of me and safiyya tv9

Assalamualaikum wbt

i just got back from my 7 days trip to Germany, Czech and Budapest. It was an amazing experience and alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. i reflected so much during the trip about how lucky i am. being able to still do things i enjoy despite the diagnosis i have. alhamdulillah.

so a week before the trip, tv 9 crews came to London to shoot for Hijabstailista and Safiyya. I knew them in 2012 when i was volunteering for mercy mission organizing twins of faith.we keep in touch from there and last march they were here for Hijabstailista. It was really amazing how Allah put this people in my life. we were a complete stranger 2 years ago and now i would have to say that they are my family. i love them and i will always pray for the best to happen to them. i spent one whole week with them discovering London. I had the chance to really bond with Kak Hajar and Kak Meera. my two lovely angels. they are more than just friend.they are like sisters to me. when i look into their eyes, i can see they genuinely care about me.i care about them tooo. i will always keep you guys in my prayers.well that's the only thing i can offer for the kindness i could never be able to repay.

so i was interviewed for safiyya tv under the inspiration slot. battling with cancer while struggling to get a medical degree. i know and i am completely aware that what i have been through probably not as big as others but if sharing this experience can benefit even just one person,i am more than happy..alhamdulillah. what i want to achieve is just to reveal how merciful Allah has been to me,helping me getting back up after my whole world collapsed upon the mentioning of stage 4 kidney cancer mets to lungs and bones diagnosis. as i mentioned before this, everything..every strength..every courage and determination to live my life to the comes from Allah. His plan is indeed amazing. i just want all of you to know that acceptance(redha) does not mean that we have to be passive and just play the waiting game.acceptance means we have come to term with the fate destined and try our hardest to make the best out of it. for me, yes i have cancer. i have to take medication that gives me diarrhoea and discoloured hair and brow. i have got spots all over my face due to hormone imbalances caused by the medications. i have to be far from my family to get treatment. i might have to work here for the rest of my life because of the treatment. i can go on and list down every struggles i am facing but i choose not to.why?because i can still live.i can still go to class. i can still work iA after graduation. i do not have to go to hospital so often that i need to miss my class. the fact that i am still living is a huge blessing that even just thinking about it would wipe out all the negative side of the story. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah..but the biggest thing would be i am loved by my family and friends. i appreciate their existence. i am trying to get closer to them. i am more aware of Allah..of His help..of His love..

i shed some tears during the interview and to see that kak meera was tearing as well made me feel so blessed.She's totally unrelated to me 2 years see that my pain matters to her made me cry even more.kak meera is one of the most beautiful person inside out i have ever encountered. And yet she remains so humble.i'm amazed and impressed. I look up to her.i might not know all her struggles but i know that i want her to be happy..i'll always pray for her and her family too.may Allah reward them hugely..the love i have received from everyone since the day i was diagnosed, i dont know if i deserve it.i can only pray that Allah will reward you abundantly. i pray that Allah will protect you and grant you paradise.

i shared about two important things we could do when we are tested.Dua and tahajjud.the biggest weapons in surviving a me. when you do these two, you will find it easier to deal with anything. Dua is never for is made for us.when we make dua we acknowledge the fact that we are nothing without Allah. when we make dua we slowly will realise that only Allah can change the situation. through these two you will discover the real purpose of life and you will iA be able to accept anything being thrown at you.

there are so much in this life that i should be thankful i decided to not spend my precious time wailing about my diagnosis. i give myself chances every now and then to feel sad and cry but most of the time i'll just remind myself of all the blessings i have. i know now that it does not matter how much time you have left,what matters most is how you spend them. o Allah please guide me.let me meet you in the best state of iman i could possibly be. give your blessings to all these kind people in my life.they deserve it :)

 i dont know when the interview will be aired but hopefully it will be beneficial :)

InsyaAllah to more posts or opportunities to share about the love i got from Allah.the help.the blessings.everything. when we are tested, use it as a stepping stone to get closer to God. being tested, we are in the best position to make dua.Allah is listening. we have to know that Allah gives us problem not for us to solve it but for us to turn to Him and just ask for help.He's ready with the answer even before He gives us question. All we have to do is just it that difficult??


Friday, December 12, 2014


Have u heard that people say friends are siblings God forget to give us? Well obviously God is not forgetful but the phrase is just an exaggeration trying to manifest how friends are the next closest to your family in your life. I have been blessed with so many amazing friends and i cant thank Allah enough for this.Alhamdulillah.. it's not until you go through rough patches in life that u start realizing who your true friends are. Indeed this sentence is true. In my case, being away from my family these friends are all i have here. They take a great care of me. I pray that Allah will reward each and everyone of them abundantly. Sometimes I dont get it. Why are people so nice.we are not even related. And i seriously can understand if people do not want to associate themselves with my mess.but these people with hearts of gold stay with me.they hold my hand..wipe my tears..they give me so much strength.alhamdulillah for them. I was admitted once due to spike in temperature. My friends came running to me.some of them keep texting me to make sure i am allright. Not to mention those who keep on praying for me. O Allah..i love them..i hope you will grant them paradise for all the kindness they offer to this stranger.
I know most of my close friend felt the pain more or less the same way as i did when they learned about my diagnosis. When i was telling sister yasmin about my situation and could not held my tears, one of my close friend cried with me. She said she never seen me that vulnerable because i'm always bubbly and cheerful and it hurts to see those tears. I was talking to my housemate yesterday and she mentioned how she broke down 1 and a half year ago after knowing about my PET scan showing that i have bones and lungs mets. This kind of love from Allah through these amazing people is sooooo beautiful. I am so grateful that i could experience this. In this life yes we plan and Allah plans and indeed Allah is the best planner. Alhamdulillah's not easy but if you have faith in Him,your heart will be at ease.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

miles awayy but always in the dua!


Every single time i think about future i cant help but to feel sorry for my parents.i want to serve them. I want to be with them. I want to make them happy but it's hard doing that when you are thousands miles away.

When ustadha yasmin mogahed was in london few weeks back. I got the golden chance to talk to her personally about my situation. I cant thank Allah enough for this. I remember how i was so frustrated back in 2013 when she came to Malaysia and i could not join her due to treatment obligations. I have always wanted to meet her. As i said to my friend, Allah gives me inspiration through her.She's one of my role model.who knows a year and a half later i found myself having dinner with her.alhamdulillah. Allah is the best planner.

So i was telling her i dont know how i should deal with this. I am so grateful to be blessed with this opportunity to be treated here but obviously at times like this you would want to be with your family the most.what she said made my day. She said maybe Allah puts u in this,takes away your family just so that you could solely depend on Him.Him alone. And depending on Him is the most beautiful act of dependency. You should take this opportunity to purify your elevate your status in His eyes. You are in the best position to make dua.Allah will never leave you alone.

When it gets difficult..cry to him.and one thing please if you could,pray tahajjud every single night. I was holding my tears back but it fell anyway. I have met so many amazing people along my journey.  The way i see it now, yes i am physically separated with my family but they would always be in my dua. They out of so many people were cherry picked by God to be in this mess with me. They are my everything. So i asked Allah to grant them and everyone that has helped me in any way the highest place in jannah.this life is short.if this short separation in this world is a stepping stone to a wonderful beginning in the hereafter,this should be cherished right? Alhamdulillah. No matter how hard life is,bear in mind that Allah is most knowing. He knows every little hurt you feel, every single tear you cried. Have faith in Him!