Monday, February 16, 2015

short interview with Safiyya TV9

Assalamualaikum wbt.

I hope everyone is doing fine :)

so the interview was aired yesterday in Malaysia and I have got so many responses from so many people. Thank you so much for making time to write to me in FB,emails and comment on my pictures with those amazing supportive and comforting words. May Allah bless all of you and your effort.

I was really touched by your kind gestures and yes all prayers and dua are highly appreciated.



I know most people are very concern about me being in London away from my family but be rest assured that i have so many people supporting me here. My family, yes they are in Malaysia but they are ver close to me. My sisters know most of the thing that happen to me daily. we've got whatsapp and skype. there are so many ways available to communicate. yes they cannot be here physically but i know they never forget me in their prayers and that is the best thing one can ever do. it's like asking the One who has the power,who controls everything to take care of me.Nothing beats that,isnt it?



Here in London, I have friends that act like my own family. whenever i have some issues, they come running to help me and I really thank Allah for putting these amazing people in my life.









These are the people who stay with me through the most difficult days in medical school as well as the happiest moment in London. They are there when i need support or just friends to rant about life. <3





My two lovely local friends! their family treat me like their own daughter.they are always around reminding me about Allah and His greatness.


And i have a lot of friends texting me every now and then all the way from malaysia to make sure that i am ok.
Alhamdulillah. I never felt like i'm in this alone and that makes me feel so grateful and thankful to Allah. I pray that all of you who directly or indirectly wish and pray for the best to happen to me to be blessed.may Allah protect us all and grant us the best place in jannah.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

kindness i never be able to repay

Assalamualaikum wbt

i have got a lot of questions after i posted about me being in the Safiyya TV9 slot this coming Sunday about my general health as a whole and a few other questions. I'm giving you all the links to my previous posts which i think would give you a general idea about what has been happening. Thank you so much for the words of support and prayers. May Allah bless all of youu.

Cerita 1
Cerita 2
Cerita 3
Cerita 4

Cerita 5
Cerita 6

And in the Cerita 4 link there are a few links to my sister's blog sharing the insight from a sister's point of view as well as the update about my situation at that time. To cancer fighters out there, if you would like to get in touch with me, please feel free to send me a message through facebook.

As for now alhamdulillah i am off the medication for 3 months and i will have my ct scan in 2 months time.if it's still stable(hopefully it will be) then i will be able to be off medication longer.prayers are much appreciated :)

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

forgiveness

i dont know but i just feel like i owe everyone an apology.if i ever hurt anyone directly or indirectly with whatever means i really really hope that you can forgive me.if i come across as someone really annoying in my writing or just simply did something that i should not,please forgive me. I will pray that Allah will reward you abundantly for being kind enough to forgive me

Sunday, January 25, 2015

i hope you will be happy

well it's a known fact that once a girl is into someone the fbi genes in her start to show up.if i put as much effort as i did into digging up medical info i will probably be on the top 20% in my year but sadly,it's not what happened and i cant see that happening anytime soon. i love medicine but i love my personal life as well.

anyway back to you. i know very little about you but i guess the ability to show your vulnerabilities without a slightest worry that people will judge you(at least it appears so,God knows how you feel inside) attracts me. i cant really do that. i dont know how many times i have deleted what i wrote in my blog without posting it just because i was afraid of what people are going to say. this is my exception.well, you are.

i know it hurts.i know how much it hurts to like someone you know you dont have a chance with but not being able to get rid of that person from your mind. the countless effort of trying to stop the feeling. the hundreds unrequited love quotes you read over and over again to just let your heart understand that it's not going to happen but it refuses to believe so. the what ifs that keep playing in your mind..the maybes that you always consider. the thoughts of moving on and liking other people that never exist.everything.everything hurts and you know you have to walk away from all of these but you cant seem to find the courage to take the first step despite the endless pain you pretend to ignore.maybe you are so used to it that you think this pain is a part of you and there is no way you could ever make it vanish.

it takes learning about self worth and appreciating and loving onselfself to muster up the courage to leave it all behind. it takes quite a bit of faith to take a first step without knowing the destination. but as a fried who has been there and done that, all i can say to you is that it feels amazing to be able to make my exit from that misery. it feels like you release yourself from your own hand you never knew was silently throttling your sanity and you finally realized that you have missed a lot while tormenting yourself in that one sided affair.

now for me it's as simple as if it's meant to be it will be. it does not mean that i am just passively waiting for things to come my way but i know when to walk away if my presence is no longer needed. feeling is like a spring, the more you suppress it the harder it will bounce back and hit you.
making a decision is always scary no matter how many times you have made them. it's the fear of making the wrong moves. it's the hopeful voice that keeps whispering maybe if you wait and give it a bit of time then table will be turned. it could but most of the time it does not. let go of that fear.


and i chose the latter. i chose to admit my feeling and walk away.and it works for me. i was upset of course but i felt relieved as well.for me when you like someone, have the courage to let the person know.if he likes you back then it's good if not then you've got the starting point to move on.life is too short to wait around for people who would never be ready to love you back so i guess the way forward is to look for someone who is on the same page as you.

i used to be you but i also were in her shoes quite a few times. and being in her shoes made me learn how to walk out of being you.

i personally hope that one day you will find the love of your life and be happy with her. i hope that one day you will come to a point and say to your self i should have walked away earlier. what took me so long! i wish that even if that someone is not me, she will appreciate you, love you, know your worth and make it up to you for all the pain you have been feeling so far. goodluck, you! :)




Sunday, January 18, 2015

the day i redefine LOVE

Assalamualaikum.

2 years.731 days 1 hour and 20 minutes. it's been that long since i started learning about LOVE in a way I would never have imagined. the day when i was brought into the operation theater with a possibility of not waking up again to see my loved ones. the day i let go of all my plans and trusted His.the day I told myself that if i was given another chance to see them again,to be able to breath again, I would do it differently.

it has been 2 years since that day and i keep on reminding myself there must be a reason why I am still living. there must be things Allah wants me to do. the moment i woke up from that 12 hours surgery, i was glad. when i saw my mom walked into that ICU room i was happy. i felt like hugging her and all i want to say was i am sorry. i am sorry that you have to go through this.i am so sorry i keep making you worry. but my mom,my family, my close friends.they taught me lessons i could never learn by myself. they taught me about LOVE. and from the moment onwards, i slowly redefine LOVE.

that time when i was so broken that i would understand if they could not hold me because i myself who should love me the most wasn't being able to do so.they held me anyways. so tight that all the pieces felt intact even though it's broken.they cried with me, they prayed for me, they held my hands till the very end when i was ready to let go. i wanted to let go so that they wont get hurt but they insisted. they taught me that in life, a lot of things can go wrong but love, real love will remain. i learned that not everyone can love me so i need to appreciate those who do. they taught me that hardship to love should be like a wind to the fire. it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great. so to the people i love or will love, please know that i may not be able to give you forever but within that limited time God is giving me, I would appreciate you like no other. because the best love story to learn from is not when it's told but when it's shown. my loved ones have taught me so much about love.

Alhamdulillah for them.Alhamdulillah for this second chance.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

the gift of imperfection

i bought this book yesterday and i cant wait to get it delivered to my doorstep. this year, i am trying to make few changes in my life and one of them is to appreciate my imperfections. for 2 years, i have been feeling low and it's about time to pick my confidence up and embrace my flaws.

life is not about trying to be perfect.or competing who is better than the other. for me if i could be better than my previous self,it's more than enough. sometimes, you cant control how your feeling works. it's hard to not let people's expectation gets to you.sometimes i feel like i do something because i am expected to do it. i'm scared of people judging me.

but i need to get things straight now. what matters most is Allah. His judgement is the most important. He is the one i need to please the most.

it's just me really. i dont think people ever look down on me after knowing about my situation.it's just me feeling disable about my whole situation. i feel like i should be in this alone. i feel like i'm going to hurt people if i let them hold my hands in this tough situation. i keep on thinking that i will do more harm than good if i let people into my life. i need to stop judging myself. i need to stop thinking that i have to be able to do everything on my own. i need to bear in mind that i am imperfect and i should not blame myself for being so because it's what human should be. only Allah is perfect.

i'll slowly pick myself up.
as what the writer said in her book

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

i'm looking forward to a better me.to a person who would let go of what she is supposed to be and just be who she really is. i wish to be comfortable in my own skin. i wish to be happy in every situation i have been put in. i wish to not regret any decision i made or will make. i wish to love like i've never been hurt.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Dua request

Had my ct scan done today.if the result is stable then i will be off medication for 3months insyaAllah.please make a lot of dua for me.even if it's just a mere 3 months,i would be really happy to be off medications.it means 3 months of holiday from diarrhoea and feeling tired.it means i can get my black brow back.i stopped last march for 3 months and they restarted it because of some growth that has shrunk 3 months after restarting.so hopefully i'll get good news next week.even if it's just for couple of months.i will be happy and grateful.keep the dua coming.i hope Allah will repay your kindness.thank youu..thanksss.. lotsa loveeeee