Monday, September 5, 2016

Insecurities

Insecurity is something we may not notice but it's there in each and everyone of us. Sometimes it can be so huge that it drains out the energy in you. It can be anything from having acne to not being tall enough from the society's point of view or just being different from what most of us consider as normal.This is a post for all of us who have that 'How I wish I have better physical attributes' thought. Don't get me wrong,it's okay to feel like you want to better yourself,in fact it is brilliant but to be pull down by what the society thinks is normal and isolate yourself for just being a little bit unique is unacceptable. We have to admit we are living in the world where beauty or physical features have threshold and somehow most people assume that they need to achieve that level to feel normal. I, myself is (or should I say was) included in this .Guilty as charged!

I was so into thinking that I need to be fair, have flawless skin and thigh gap to feel beautiful. Now I want to throw stone at my old self for thinking that way. I put myself into various diets and restrictive eating habits to be skinnier, I spent thousands of ringgit for skincare to get that flawless model-look complexion.I did every single thing I can to achieve that feeling of being normal and accepted in the society.When I was in second year of medical school, I gained a bit of weight. I was a bit plump than I used to,mind you my previous weight before that was 40 kg so gaining a bit would put me into normal weight but I was so stressed about it. That was when my acne problem started as well. What a good combination just to draw me out of the society. When I said acne,it is not just one or two pimples. It's the real acne, the cystic painful one all over my cheeks making me feel like I had spotlights on my face that just drew the attention from people.I was at one point refusing to attend any event,just sat in my room looking in the mirror and googling what to do to lose weight and have a better skin.However,that is not the worst part. What added the salt to the wound was words from people,sometimes the close ones. They probably were just joking but it got through to the core. It hurt like crazy. It felt like you were standing at the edge of the cliff,struggling to balance yourself not to fall,hoping that someone would reach out to you and they just pushed you right to the bottom.These kind of insecurities are not healthy and that is why they need to go. We need to change the way we look at them. Don't let them lead you to that dark road of thinking any less of yourself just because of the glitches. Mind you, some people go into depression because of this!

If people leave you because of what they see as your physical imperfections,let them go! You don't need that kind of human being in your life. I was around people who were so indulged into physical perfection and it broke me.When people care more about that zits in your face than what you have in your soul,they are not for you. You can get better, but their attitudes or mentalities are maybe(everyone can change!) forever unless they go through some hardcore cleansing and brain washing!

When I planned to meet my husband the first time, I was so worried. My acne was improving but I still had a lot of bumps everywhere. I was trying to conceal everything that morning by putting a lot of make up on then I realised, I didn't want someone who're just attracted to me physically. Physical attractions are important in marriage, you can't be with someone you are not attracted to for the rest of your life but it also doesn't take a model-like features to make you attracted to someone. It can be as simple as I like his eyes,they're cute!I still put on my basic make up,but not the heavy one. From that time to the day we decided to get married and were planning for our big day, he never mentioned anything about my skin. I always warned him how bad my skin was (while still trying to get it sorted) and guess what he wrote to me when my girls and I were having fun celebrating the last few days of me being single? He said 'With our without make up, I will love you.With or without heels,I will still love you.With or without cancer,I will be forever in love with you'. He just wiped the scars out of me completely.That was when I realised how thankful I should be for people who walked out of my life giving way to this amazing guy to be in it. What I am getting at is, you maybe at a point where you are devastated because someone you really love just left,or you are simply hurt or just feeling hopeless about whatever insecurities you may have. All I want to say to you is hang on there,keep trying to better yourself and  you will see all the blessings behind this difficult phase unravel themselves soon insyaAllah.

To the people out there, telling people they are fat won't let you be any skinnier, telling people how bad they are won't make you any better, nitpicking and judging every single wrong doing people did won't make you a saint.Be kind,use a gentle approach. Yes you might have a good intention but that is not a good enough reason and in fact it should not be a reason to be harsh and hurt people. You never know how your words can affect other people especially when they are already vulnerable having so much in their plates. Be careful and think before you speak or now should I say think before you type?
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Thursday, March 24, 2016

From a stage 4 cancer fighter to a Dr! 

Alhamdulillah..
ALHAMDULILLAH. I made it till the end. It's been quite a journey for me to be honest. It has its fair share of ups and downs.

4 years ago when I was diagnosed, none of this looked possible. People kept on asking me ; are you sure you still want to go back to London and resume your study. Well I didn't blame them though. I was just in my second year that time,not even half way through. I didn't blame them for thinking it's not wise to be away from my family when I had huge C diagnosis with me. I said to myself back then, what do I do then? Do I just sit at home doing nothing? I decided to still try. My family supported that decision. As a muslim,we believed in the qadr of Allah and we believed in the life after death. We believed that prayers travelled any distance. We believed that Allah's with us. Yes I would be far away from my family but they had faith that Allah would take care of me.

So I came to London after a year of study break I took for my treatment. My doctor even said this to me(in a very gentle professional manner and full of concern), 'you know you might not finish medical school,are you sure you'd rather do this instead of being with your family?' I said yes with no doubt.I could sense that my doctor seemed to think I was in denial about the diagnosis and prognosis at first but slowly he became so supportive of me and my study. I remembered 6 months after I was started on my tablets, the same doctor looked at me with a very genuine smile and said this to me 'I am so happy to see that you are well. I am so so happy'

Fast forward 3 years later from the time I started studying again,4 years post diagnosis(again with its fair share of blood sweat and tears), I was told that I am now a Dr. How surreal is that? I am so grateful for my family and friends. Their never ending support and prayers pushed me through this. But my utmost gratitude is to Allah. He's been there since day one,well even before that but I was blinded by so many things. This whole experience made me realise about His existence. His help is so near, we just have to ask for it!

I always got the 'you are so strong' comment but trust me it's not always the case. There were times when things got difficult,when I cried in my sleep,when I felt so broken and I can't do it anymore. That's when I needed my family and friends the most. They're never too tired to remind me of the help of God.Recently, two of my family members were diagnosed with cancer on the same day just two weeks prior to my final exams. It felt like my world shattered for the second time (the first would be when I got diagnosed)and this time it's twice as difficult to deal with. I tried my best to stay focus and revise but of course it's not easy. My husband told me I have more reasons to pass this exams, at least that good news will make my family happy in this difficult time. I kept on telling myself that Allah has said He'd never tested a soul more than what it could bear so I would like to believe that we are strong and we can go through this together. As mom correctly said it, this is the test for the whole family not just for those two. If this brings us all closer to Allah then it's still a blessing despite how it looks on the outside. I love how Yasmin Mogahed puts it- Sometimes the gifts of God aren't wrapped as you think. My point is, you don't have to be strong at all times. You can break down and cry. Crying has always been my way of getting all the negative emotions out. However we need to learn how to pick ourselves up. My past experiences taught me that crying for far too long or worrying too much won't get me too far. I needed to actively encourage myself to take the steps to go back up when I fell.

We are all fighting different battles and I am writing this just to say to the people out there that you are not alone. Sometimes things get a little bit too much but inshaAllah there would be a way out. When it happens, think of it this way; you are at your worst now so thing can only get better as long as you do not give up! Looking back, half of me is so happy that I made it through and passed my exams and another half is just glad that I did not give up. It's possible for me not to make it till the end but I thought at least if I gave my all, I would feel happy knowing that I did not just succumb without a proper fight.

Thanks again to all my family members for your support. Thanks to my husband for putting up with my roller coaster emotions when I was stressed with revision and had to deal with the bad news. Thanks to all my close friends that keep on praying for me. Thanks to all my teachers too. Please continue to pray for me. I NEED THAT😊.Having been on the other side of the table I hope I have learned a few  things to be a good doctor to my patients inshaAllah.
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Thursday, February 4, 2016

It's a world cancer day!

Assalamualaikum wbt.

I have been abandoning my blog for far too long. There are a lot of things going on in my life. I was pretty busy with being a final year medical student and trying to adapt being a wife.Lol. Yes I am married now alhamdulillah.

So today is a world cancer day.It's been about 3 years and a half that I was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma and I am still on treatment for it. Cancer is such a scary word, but I am pretty sure all of us have come across or know at least one person that was or is fighting the battle against it.

If I were to go back to that moment when I was just 21 years old facing that diagnosis, it still makes me cringe. Even up till now there were days when it gets more difficult than the others. Within this 3 years I have learned so much about how to deal with my emotion and how not to look at it from a bitter side. I can if I want to feel sorry for my self and keep dwelling about this but I have decided long ago not to do that. My logic is simple. It takes a lot of energy to feel sorrow and upset. If you have that much energy, why don't use it to feel happy?

I started counting my blessings. I remember every little good thing people do to me. I become more appreciative of the love people keep on showering me. By doing all that, I find myself being happier than ever.

I honestly think that lesson like this comes once in a life time. It comes with experience. It comes with being knocked down to the lowest level in your life and trying hard to come back up.It's also about trying to make peace with your past accepting that unfavorable things happen but you can choose how you want it to affect you. We are all being tested differently. What keeps me going is the fact that I know Allah's plan will always be better than mine and maybe having this condition is better for me. Allah has blessed me so much and I feel like I have gained a lot more than I lose. It's not easy, I'll be honest. Dealing with uncertainties but then again is there anyone who is certain about his/her life?No one is promised tomorrow and I bet no one can confidently come up to me and say that they will live longer than I do because we never know( chances are most of them will but none of us are certain of that). So I save my self from worrying too much about things that I can't control and start focusing on things I can.

Life is what you make of it. You can be happy if you want to. The choice is yours. Then again, I am not saying that you cannot be sad at all. You can. Just not for far too long. You have a life to live and haven't you heard that life is short,why wasting it by being in tears. When you are down, cry if you must and I have to say I am really good at it. Crying has always been my first step to climb that stairs and be on my way up again. No one has never fell but some stay too long till their mind falsely believe that it's impossible to go back up again. Don't let your sadness makes a fool out of you. The problems could be huge but so is Allah's mercy. His help is probably just a prayer away, so make it.


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Thursday, September 3, 2015

surviving 19 hours fast,medication's side effects and exam's revision

i was meant to update my blog for quite sometime but i'm a bit busy doing nothing after my exams.lol. and now i have started my final year alhamdulillah. the shortest year ever..it'll be just 6 months till my final exam.please make a lot of duas for me.

4th year was the longest and most difficult year in my entire journey in medical school. i dont know about final year yet though.to add to that, we had our exam a few days before eid and two papers after eid. so imagine trying to stay awake during a hot summer day when you have to fast for almost 19 hours. I was on my tablet and side effects were quite bad at that time. I was sooo worried that I would be dehydrated but alhamdulillah Allah helped me and I made it through that month!! and I passed! ALHAMDULILLAH ALHAMDULILLAH. you have no idea how scary the result day was. we were sent the email and I waited about 30 mins before I told anyone mine just in case they sent me the wrong result. that showed how little confidence I have  because the exams were really tough. but alhamdulillah I passed.. lol..


Being a final year medical student is scary as well. Everyone expect you to at least know something. I hope I do..I cant wait to finish medical school. just 6 more months. this is the least I could do for my parents. the gift I pray so hard to be able to give them. Hopefully Allah will help me and make my dream come true. Amin





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Monday, February 16, 2015

short interview with Safiyya TV9

Assalamualaikum wbt.

I hope everyone is doing fine :)

so the interview was aired yesterday in Malaysia and I have got so many responses from so many people. Thank you so much for making time to write to me in FB,emails and comment on my pictures with those amazing supportive and comforting words. May Allah bless all of you and your effort.

I was really touched by your kind gestures and yes all prayers and dua are highly appreciated.



I know most people are very concern about me being in London away from my family but be rest assured that i have so many people supporting me here. My family, yes they are in Malaysia but they are ver close to me. My sisters know most of the thing that happen to me daily. we've got whatsapp and skype. there are so many ways available to communicate. yes they cannot be here physically but i know they never forget me in their prayers and that is the best thing one can ever do. it's like asking the One who has the power,who controls everything to take care of me.Nothing beats that,isnt it?



Here in London, I have friends that act like my own family. whenever i have some issues, they come running to help me and I really thank Allah for putting these amazing people in my life.









These are the people who stay with me through the most difficult days in medical school as well as the happiest moment in London. They are there when i need support or just friends to rant about life. <3





My two lovely local friends! their family treat me like their own daughter.they are always around reminding me about Allah and His greatness.


And i have a lot of friends texting me every now and then all the way from malaysia to make sure that i am ok.
Alhamdulillah. I never felt like i'm in this alone and that makes me feel so grateful and thankful to Allah. I pray that all of you who directly or indirectly wish and pray for the best to happen to me to be blessed.may Allah protect us all and grant us the best place in jannah.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2015

kindness i never be able to repay

Assalamualaikum wbt

i have got a lot of questions after i posted about me being in the Safiyya TV9 slot this coming Sunday about my general health as a whole and a few other questions. I'm giving you all the links to my previous posts which i think would give you a general idea about what has been happening. Thank you so much for the words of support and prayers. May Allah bless all of youu.

Cerita 1
Cerita 2
Cerita 3
Cerita 4

Cerita 5
Cerita 6

And in the Cerita 4 link there are a few links to my sister's blog sharing the insight from a sister's point of view as well as the update about my situation at that time. To cancer fighters out there, if you would like to get in touch with me, please feel free to send me a message through facebook.

As for now alhamdulillah i am off the medication for 3 months and i will have my ct scan in 2 months time.if it's still stable(hopefully it will be) then i will be able to be off medication longer.prayers are much appreciated :)
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Tuesday, January 27, 2015

forgiveness

i dont know but i just feel like i owe everyone an apology.if i ever hurt anyone directly or indirectly with whatever means i really really hope that you can forgive me.if i come across as someone really annoying in my writing or just simply did something that i should not,please forgive me. I will pray that Allah will reward you abundantly for being kind enough to forgive me
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