Sunday, June 29, 2014

sisterhood

Ramadhan is here. Alhamdulillah. I am so excited and really look forward to this blissful month. Yesterday i attended our very first Al Buruj sisters' circle. I've been volunteering with Al buruj for about 6 months now and i am glad i did. i walked out of my comfort zone! I was contemplating because I didnt think I could fit in due to language barrier. However I told myself that everything will be fine. I reminded myself about what's the main reason I want to volunteer.

Well to be honest at first,it's just about wanting to do as much as good deeds because i know that i dont have much time left to try and add some point to get to the best side of my Creator. When i was in malaysia, i volunteered with mercy mission and that was when i realised that by surrounding yourself with people of the deen does help you in so many way in order to improve oneself. so you could see that my ulterior motive was just for myself(well of course i want to help people but still the main reason was to help myself and get reward from it). However God is the best planner and through this He actually gives me a family here. The sisters are so amazing and the way they act tells me so much about the saying that we often hear but seldom feel, love for the sake of Allah. MashaAllah I cant express how lucky i am to be part of this group.

During the sisters' circle yesterday, we went through Prophet's Sermon for the month of Ramadhan. it's so beautiful and eventhough the sister read it without putting any emotions in it, it went through straight to the heart. Subhanallah. How far behind am i in this journey to discover islam that I never knew that there were such thing as prophet's sermon available for us to read and reflect upon. Astaghfirullah. I ask your forgiveness for my ignorance. you can read that HERE and enjoy the beautiful melancholic feeling it brings as you indulge yourself into every sentence written there.

i have been wanting to tell the sisters about my cancer but i have not had the chance so i did it yesterday.it's amazing to see the pain in their eyes when they know that their fellow sister is struggling with life and has kept that to herself for quite sometimes. they were saying to me to go to them anytime i need anything. they hugged me and assured me that Allah is great and whatever happened is for the best. They prayed that Allah will grant me shifa and they were so happy that i was part of the group. Little that they know the happiest person was me. I felt so relieved to be able to finally tell them because when you love someone you dont want to keep any secret from them.

i am really glad that i meet these amazing people in my life. i pray that Allah will reward you as much as possible for all the kindness you offer to me. Have a blessed Ramadhan and hopefully we will get the most out of this Holy month :)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Alhamdulillah

Great newssssss *drumrolls*

I am getting married next year! lol ok i'm JOKING(well i wish i am not because i've always wanted to get married in 2015)! well who knows,please pray that i will meet my future husband soon enough so that i can get married next year. ok enough of this marriage thing Idzni!

moving on to the real great news. i was having my 3 monthly ctscan last week and the result has come out to be fine so i will be off medication for another 3 months. hopefully this will continue and i wont have to take that chemo drugs anymore.please pray for me :)

thank you Allah for being so nice to me. i've failed so miserably countless time but You are still with me guiding me through this bumpy journey that we call life.looking back at who i was before, i am really grateful that i got this wake up call 2 years ago.thank you.

to be honest, all of us are aware that we are going to die one day but this fact does not really settle in our mind trust me,not until you see the reasons why you will go earlier than people your age.we are to some extent still being influenced by the mentality that younger people will live longer without us realising it. i've received a few shocking news about friends going earlier that we thought they would.Al fatihah to all these friends of mine,i pray that you will be placed among those who are pious and will be rewarded by Allah swt. when i was diagnosed with cancer that fact really hits me,the fact that i will probably die earlier than i thought i would/should be. i was not ready. i was scared. i was devastated but the more you learn about religion,the more you draw yourself to Allah, everything becomes easier.

O Allah i pray that you will let me reach ramadhan this year and help me and everyone who reads this to become closer to you. help us to please You.




Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Ramadhan is just around the corner

Assalamualaikum.

We are nearly going to the middle of Sha'ban and guesss whaaaat? *drumrolls* RAMADHAN IS COMING SOOON! yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

I am so excited for this Ramadhan eventhough I have exams at that time but really i cant wait!it's the time when your spiritual side is at its best. However we have to do some preparations in order to go all out for this ramadhan. Do you know any of the marathon runners? How long did they train themselves to go for 15km run?and did they start off by doing all 15kn in one go? i doubt so. you cant possibly drive a car with 5th gear from the beginning can you?

So what we can do in order to prepare ourselves is


  1. if you havent done so, start reading the quran after each prayer. It doesnt matter if it's just a simple surah. a little but consistent deed goes a loooooooong wayy!
  2. start training yourself to fast. well for those who would be fasting in the summer like i would you know that it's gonna be about 18-19 hours right?so do some practice so that your body are used to it. the way i did it, i try to fast on monday and thursday everyweek!
  3. train yourself to wake up for sahur by waking up for qiyam.OMG you guys already know but i really want to stress here that in ramadhan you'll get thousands time the rewards you would normally get in other months.so let's useee this!!nothing can get any better than doing what Allah loves in this month.try it.try and do just 2 or 4 rakaah and then work your wayyy up..again a little goessss a long wayy.
  4. cook!learn how to cook.it's the best opportunity for us all to learn.well it's ramadhan and you just eat proper meal once a day so why not putting a bit more effort into the dishes without spending too much money eating out?win win isnt it?
  5. forgiveness! forgive everyone that has wronged you in anyway. people say a crucial part of being happy is being able to accept apologies we never received!so growwwwwww up and let go of all the ill feelings you have.
  6. Make a lot of dua.not only for yourself but for the loved ones.and for the ummah.for syiria for palentine.for everyone.
let's do our best shall we?

O Allah I ask you to give me chance to meet Ramadhan this year and to make full use of it.


Wasalam :)



Thursday, May 22, 2014

the faults in our stars

finally i get the chance to read this book.it says most of the thing i could not. it expresses how i feel better than i myself could.

it tells me so much about life and love. i love how Augustus Waters puts it at the end. It sounds like this, we as a human want to leave something behind when we die,something to be remembered but little that we know all we leave behind is some scar to those who love us. it is true isn't it. when i first knew that i have cancer, of course i was worried about what is going to happen to me but to be honest a huge part of my worries is dragging the people that i love and love me in this mess they never invested.i mean yeah they didnt know that i would end up like this when they first decided to love me. but this book consoles me so much. At first it seemed like Hazel Grace was the lucky girl when Augustus approached her. He was in remission and Hazel was not and the fact that he loved her and wanted to be with her was touching. but life is not that simple and straightforward, at least not in this book. so his cancer came back and he died first leaving Hazel miserably. She had to deal with the scar alone. that's life. as much as i think i would depart first from the people that i love, we never know what's going to happen. all i can do i just pray.pray that whatever happens is for the best.pray that we would all accept whatever has been decreed upon us. 

i think i am so lucky to be born in this religion and the fact that i was taught about patience and acceptance since i was young helps so much. and of course i could not see the point right away but after some time i get it. this life is just temporary and nothing matters most than pleasing the creator. i was so into superficiciality that i once thought no one would be able to love me after they know my diagnosis. i was proven wrong so many times. it restored my faith in humanity. people love me more,or at least they are bolder or they put an action to their words. and i never blamed those who distanced themselves too. do not invest in the thing you are unsure about is one of the good policies to adapt to be happy. my situation helps me filter out who i dont need in my life,making my life so much easier.having said that, it made me appreaciate those who stay so much.

to my dearest parents,family and friends.
thank you so much for being with me along this journey. May Allah bless all of us

Monday, May 5, 2014

see with your heart, what your eyes cannot

Assalamualaikum.

How are you guys? I hope whoever is reading this insyaAllah is in the greatest state of mind and health and wealth.may Allah bless all of us.Ameen.

First of all i would like to apologize to everyone who reads my blog and finds anything that i wrote does not make sense or unsuitable or annoying or anything of some sort. this blog was once used to be just like a diary to me.i usually share the link on my fb of the post i think would benefit other people,not the personal one.if you could see,i just have 53 followers and those are mostly my close friends. those who know me would know i am kinda quite expressive when i encounter any problems. my close friends know my up to date life stories to the smallest details like what color my friend's sister wore on her wedding day?ok maybe not.

but yeah then again i am all grown up now(i hope so) and some of the things i am dealing with are not as simple as just what happened in my life anymore.it concerns other people as well which at times i forget.so again i am really sorry for being too personal on this blog sharing every single details about my life.i probably won't be able to make a 180 change but i'll try and be more careful next time.i'll try my best. maybe this is how God wants to tell me,look if you have problems come to me. the blog ain't gonna help you, I would! :)
I really appreciate those who remind me of the possible wrong things i do or did.that only means that they want me to do better in life in the future.thank you :) i pray that Allah reward your kindness.


and this quote serves as a self-reminder for me!



on a different note,we are now in the months of rajab. ramadhan is just around the corner. let's use this opportunity to bring ourself closer to the almighty God, Allah shall we?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

La Douleur Exquise

it's sad. I know but then again all of us are quite familiar with a saying that feelings cant be force, right?

I adore the courage all those people have when they told me their feelings. no matter how many times I have dealt with this issue I am yet to find an easy or justifiable method to say no without hurting anyone. However I need to be honest. you guys deserve someone who loves you genuinely considering the courage you have.

if it makes you feel better, I've been in your place. quite a few times. that's why I decided to let my heart go. denied every feelings I have. not until I am sure. and how to be sure you may ask? Love after marriage! but to be honest, I am human. I cant control how I feel. even now my heart is not in a good shape. o Allah, let me not love things that aren't written to be mine.save me from another heartbreak.letme be strong :)

Friday, April 4, 2014

Nothing but ordinary

Assalamualaikum wbt.

It's been about a year and a half since i was first diagnosed with cancer and from that moment onwards  i received so much love from everyone around me and sometimes from my new friends(i don't like the sound of strangers so i'm gonna address you guys as my new friends) that i haven't even met in person. Seriously it means a lot to me having kind people like all of you taking your time to write to me and encourage me to be strong in dealing with such calamity. I've got a lot of recommendations on what to read or movies to watch to help me stay positive all this while.i cant thank you enough for this comforting act i don't even deserve,for the thoughts and prayers. may Allah bless all of you.

since the diagnosis i keep on getting comments like you are so strong,omg you are amazing,you fight so well,how could you be so positive and etc. to be completely honest i am nothing but ordinary. I broke down.i cried.i was scared.i felt everything!every emotions that you could think of when something this huge happen to you at the age of 21.to be able to smile happily and let go of all the worries do not happen in just one night. To accept the fact that i am being chosen out of billions  people in this world to get cancer is not easy i must admit but seriously when i think about it now Allah has made it a lot easier than it could possibly be.

The most important thing is the support system. You need it, Don't try to face it alone just for the sake of not wanting to drag your loved one into this mess. I completely understand that sometimes we don't  want to see people we love get hurt in the  whole process of going through this difficulty but trust me it hurts them more if you exclude them from it. They already feel helpless because they cant help you much so don't make them feel any worse by not letting them participate in at least helping you emotionally. Talk to them about your worries,share with them everything! Let it all out because holding it in would make you depressed. I am going to quote my mom here, she said the biggest and greatest support system is definitely Allah. He is most knowing most merciful and most loving so put Him on top of your list. Rely on him and have faith in Him. If you have Allah you don't need anything else :) . And of course by the mercy of Allah He sends me great people like all of you to make my journey easier. Alhamdulillah for a great mom,dad,family and friends and not to forget new friends too! Prayers are the biggest weapon for the believers, so use it. Talk to your creator, let Him know your worries, cry if it helps you! When you finally find the faith and realize the fact that by relying to the one who is in charge of everything worries wont have any place to settle in your heart or mind. Keep on reminding yourself that whatever happened, is for the best. he wont put you through something you cant handle! It will be a long journey of self discovery and you may realize a lot of things that you probably do not pay attention to before. It is so true that people say you start living when you learn about dying. You start prioritizing because it hits you now that indeed life is too short to do something that is useless. You love more,you tell people you love them because you never know when is you last day walking in this earth. You mind your actions because you don't want to be meeting the Creator with too many sins. You start doing good and be nice to people because you know that they can help you with your hereafter. You at last discover that helping people or the poor do more good to you than them,it helps to detach your heart from something as temporary as wealth or even the joy of world we are living in. I can go on and on talking about the discoveries you might encounter throughout the journey but to make it short all in all it opens your eyes too see things you probably have seen before but in a completely different view.

But being human of course sometimes, we mess up.we make mistakes.but don't ever let it stop you from going back to Allah. Don't fall into the devils's trap to make us think that we sin so much and there's no point of repenting.noo! We all know that Allah's mercy is bigger than His wrath :)

By being contented with what we have will help us to live a happier live. So stop worrying and complaining so that you could start living!

P/s : current update : i am now off medication alhamdulillah because the disease is stable. I'll be monitored from time to time and if it is active again (which hopefully wont happen) they are going to start me on medication again.please pray for me and for that I hope Allah will grant you goodness in this world and the hereafter.